Caught Between the Rails: A Play in One Act

Dramatis personae:
NORMAN MINETA, Secretary of Transportation of a North American country located immediately south of Canada
DAVID GUNN, president of a passenger railroad serving that very same country

Time: Morning, Monday, June 24, 2002
Place: Norman Mineta's office in the capital city

NORMAN MINETA sits behind a desk and is talking into a telephone. Enter DAVID GUNN.

Gunn: Say, about that $200 million loan guarantee we need to keep Amtrak running until October 1st...

Mineta: (to Gunn, indicating chair opposite desk) Hold on a second. (Gunn sits, Mineta speaks into phone) Sure, no problem, Mr. President of United Airlines. You'll definitely be able to get that $1.8 billion loan guarantee. I personally guarantee it, because, as you know, airline travel is the only form of public transportation that should be carrying intercity travelers, as far as I'm concerned....Ha ha, yes. Goodbye. (Hangs up phone)

Gunn: All right, what about that $200 million?

Mineta: Yes, I am prepared to give you a $100 million loan guarantee right now, and all you have to do is immediately shut down all your trains except the Northeast Corridor, which I guess you can keep running until we build those 12 new runways at all the airports in the Northeast.

Gunn: No, as I've explained to you repeatedly for the past couple of weeks, $200 million is the minimum we need to keep the entire system running. We can't just separate out the Northeast Corridor and run it separately for half the money.

Mineta: Oh. That's too bad. Well, we don't really need the Northeast Corridor that much anyway. I'm sure people can drive if they can't get on a plane.

Gunn: But the commuter trains in New Jersey and --

Mineta: They've got tunnels or bridges or something up there, right? See, no problem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a phone call to make. (Picks up telephone and dials number) Hello, Mr. President of American Airlines? This is Norman Mineta. We just happen to have a couple billion dollars here, and it could have your name on it.

(Exit DAVID GUNN.)

Although this play was based on fact, any resemblance to actual conversations which may or may not have taken place are purely coincidental.