Chilly the Weapon

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! April 24, 1994

Transcriber's Note: In contrast to the thousands of characters portrayed by Hugh and Siggy, I had only one: the star of this sketch, long-lost Warner Brothers cartoon star Chilly the Cheetah. During the sketch, Siggy was playing random tracks from a sound effects CD; the "other cartoon" at the end is the introductory track from the CD.

                     CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Hugh Jasper..........................................................Himself
Mr. Announcer........................................................Himself
Chilly the Cheetah.............................................Mr. Announcer
Mother...........................................................Hugh Jasper
Lincoln the Tomcat...............................................Hugh Jasper
Postal Clerk.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Announcer........................................................Hugh Jasper
Terry............................................................Hugh Jasper
Tommy............................................................Hugh Jasper
Window Washer....................................................Hugh Jasper
Albert Julius Fu.................................................Hugh Jasper
Street Musician..................................................Hugh Jasper
Mexican..........................................................Hugh Jasper
Duck.................................................................Himself
Siggy Llama..........................................................Himself
                and SIGGY LLAMA playing the sound effects

SOUND FX: "Looney Tunes" theme

MR. ANNOUNCER
Chilly the Cheetah in..."Chilly the Weapon."

CHILLY
Oh, hi, I'm Chilly the Cheetah, relaxing, here at home.

SOUND FX: Twang

CHILLY
Oh, my armchair broke a spring! Oh, no! Now I'm going to have to go out and get a new one! Wait a second, I just got something in the mail. It's a letter from the government.

SOUND FX: Running music...

CHILLY
It says I have to run to the post office and get a registered letter! Oh, and I have to run really fast! The post office closes at five!...Oh, phew, I made it in time.

SOUND FX: Crying baby...

CHILLY
Oh, no!

MOTHER
Oh, there, there, oh, there, there, Junior.

CHILLY
Excuse me, ma'am, could you hurry up? I have to...I have to get a registered letter! It's very important. Maybe, could you get your stamps through the vending machine?

MOTHER
No, no, okay, I'd like three hundred stamps. You got that? Three hundred!

CHILLY
Oh, no! I got a registered letter from the...from the government! I'm sure it's very important!

SOUND FX: Crying baby...

MOTHER
(unintelligible) No, young man, you wait in line! Here, hold my kid.

CHILLY
(Singing) Rock-a-bye baby, in the post office
When the wind blows, the cradle will roffice

SOUND FX: Cuckoo

LINCOLN
Hi there, Chilly! It's me, your best buddy, Lincoln the Tomcat!...

SOUND FX: Coughing

LINCOLN
Lincoln, the tomcat with brain damage. Hey, Chilly, what are you doing here at the post office?

CHILLY
Something about seeing you always makes me cough! I'm just here to pick up a registered letter, but I...this woman in front of me is getting, like, a million stamps!

SOUND FX: Chime

LINCOLN
Whoa, it's one o'clock! Lunchtime! That means the post office is closing! Well, sorry I can't help you, Chilly! Well, I guess I'll see you around! So get out!

SOUND FX: Blowing nose

CHILLY
Wait a minute, the post office doesn't close at lunchtime!

POSTAL CLERK
What, does somebody want a post office? Excuse me, I got a cold. All right, whaddaya want?

CHILLY
Um, do you have a registered letter for a Mr. Cheetah? Chilly the Cheetah?

POSTAL CLERK
Lemme look here. Lemme look. I'm lookin', lookin', uhhhhhh...Ah, here we go. Chilly the Cheetah. Yeah, here's your letter.

CHILLY
Oh, thank you. Let me see, what does this say?

POSTAL CLERK
Uh, there's twenty-nine cents postage due.

CHILLY
Twenty-nine cents postage due? You'd think the government would pay for bulk rate or something. Oh, well...

SOUND FX: Loud laughter

CHILLY
What's so funny? I'm just trying to get...I mean...I can't believe it! I mean, I pay my taxes!

LINCOLN
You gotta say, Chilly, it is pretty funny!

CHILLY
Oh, for heaven's sake. Uh, do you take Mastercard?

POSTAL CLERK
No, we don't.

SOUND FX: Cute little sneeze

POSTAL CLERK
Excuse me. This cold's really buggin' me. Tell you what, give me your Mastercard and I'll see what I can do.

CHILLY
Okay, thanks. Uh, let me read this letter while you run that through the machine.

SOUND FX: Electronic noises

POSTAL CLERK
It's all done. Here you go.

CHILLY
Oh, thank you. Now, let's see here. "Doo doo doo doo, dear Mr. Cheetah, we would like you to immediately report to the missile silo in Fargo, North Dakota, so we can launch you toward Russia." Launch me toward Russia?! What?

SOUND FX: Fanfare

CHILLY
Oh, but I'm proud to serve my country.

LINCOLN
You say you're going to Fargo? Hey, I got a cousin in Fargo! His name is Jefferson. Maybe you could drop in on him and say hello. Tell him Lincoln said hello. See ya!

SOUND FX: Tweet

LINCOLN
The mail just came in. I'll see ya later!

SOUND FX: Coughing

CHILLY
Wait, why don't you come to Fargo with me? I've got a two-for-one frequent flyer coupon.

POSTAL CLERK
Nah, you heard him. Get out!

CHILLY
Let's see here, I've got my official pocket flight guide. I wonder how many flights there are to Fargo?

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, at Fargo...

CHILLY
Gee, it sure is nice to be here in Fargo...

SOUND FX: Crying baby

CHILLY
Oh no!

MOTHER
I want five hundred stamps! You got that? Five hundred stamps!

CHILLY
We're at the airport!

MOTHER
All right, get me five hundred airline tickets! That's right, I want five hundred! Shut up, Junior! That's right, five hundred! Where to? I don't know, just get me five hundred airline tickets! That's all I want! You again?

CHILLY
Why are you standing at the baggage services office? I'm just looking for my lost suitcase!

SOUND FX: Fanfare

ANNOUNCER
And now, appearing at the Fargo airport, it's Terry and Tommy, the Airport Twins!

TERRY
(tapping on microphone) Hello, hello, hello, is this thing on? Hello, everybody, this is Terry!

TOMMY
And I'm Tommy!

TERRY
And we're Terry and Tommy, the Airport Twins! Here to entertain our travelers, here to visit the wonderful city of Fargo, North Dakota!

TOMMY
Yes, that's right.

SOUND FX: Strange electronic noise

TERRY
Whoa, whoa, who let that one go?

TOMMY
It wasn't me! Maybe it was. I did have chili for lunch.

TERRY
Well anyway, speaking of lunch, so, let's go over to this cheetah... say, what's your name and what do you do?

CHILLY
I just want to get my baggage, here! I want to fill out a lost bag report! Can you help me?

SOUND FX: Typing

TERRY
Tommy! What's wrong with you?

TOMMY
It was the cabbage I had.

TERRY
Well anyway, well, folks, that's all for us. Hope you enjoy your stay in Fargo. We have to go down to, uh, Terminal F. See you later!

CHILLY
Terminal F? Hey, this airport only has three gates!

SOUND FX: Coughing

POSTAL CLERK
Hey, what are you doing here? I take a break from the post office and I decide to go to Fargo and I meet you again! What do you want? Leave me alone!

CHILLY
I don't want anything from you!

SOUND FX: Pop

CHILLY
What...what was that?

TERRY
Tommy! Will you stop that?

TOMMY
What? What? What? Must be the baked beans I had.

SOUND FX: Liquid noise

TOMMY
Ahh, that felt good.

CHILLY
No, I need to get my bags! The government...

SOUND FX: Squeegee squeaking

CHILLY
Hey! Stop cleaning the window right in front of me! I'm trying to... excuse me!

WINDOW WASHER
Yes, may I help you, sir? Just got to put a little more Windex here...Okay, yes, how can I help you, sir?

CHILLY
I want to fill out a lost bag report! Why is this so hard?

WINDOW WASHER
A lost bag report? Just check over at Gate 4. That has one of our baggage claims. It's over down the hall to the left, go up three flights of stairs, go back down one, take a...take another right, another left, another right, go up, go down, do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around, and there you are.

SOUND FX: Fanfare

ANNOUNCER
At the baggage claim...

CHILLY
Wait a minute, you look very familiar! Wasn't I just here?

SOUND FX: Oriental music

MR. FU
No, that was not...no, this is baggage claim. That's Gate 4. How can I help you? My name is Mr. Fu, Albert Julius Fu, and how can I help you, sir?

CHILLY
All I want to do is fill out a lost bag report!

MR. FU
Lost bag report? Okay, would you please fill out this form and I'll turn it into lost bags as soon as possible.

CHILLY
Okay, let's see. Name, Chilly the Cheetah. Mother's maiden name... Cheetah. Home address...(mumbles)...favorite TV show, "Wild Kingdom"...

SOUND FX: Fanfare

MR. FU
Time is up! Please turn in your forms and we will grade papers and see who gets what baggage claim. All right. Hmmm...no...no...oh, that's very good...

SOUND FX: Chime

ANNOUNCER
Flight leaving for Moscow, leaving on Gate 6. That's Gate 6.

CHILLY
Wait a minute! That letter said something about Russia. Maybe I'd better get on that flight!

MR. FU
Russia? You're going to Russia? Wait! Are you Chilly...

SOUND FX: Gargling

MR. FU
Oh, excuse me. I just had to clean my teeth with soy sauce. It really helps. You should try it sometime. Did you say you are Chilly the Cheetah?

CHILLY
Yes, I am Chilly the Cheetah. Is there a message for me?

MR. FU
It's very secret. Here.

CHILLY
Let's see...

SOUND FX: Oriental music

MR. FU
I'm going to take my lunch break now. I'll see you around.

CHILLY
Let's see...Chilly the Cheetah. Please proceed immediately to Gate 6 and take plane to Russia. There, you will be a secret weapon. SECRET WEAPON?! Oh...(whispers) secret weapon?! Secret weapon. Let's see...While in Russia, you will attempt to infiltrate Russian zoo. Russian zoo?!

SOUND FX: Electronic noise

CHILLY
Hey, who are you? Some sort of street musician?

STREET MUSICIAN
No.

CHILLY
Okay, thanks. Uh, let's see. Infiltrate Russian zoo...

SOUND FX: Mexican music

MEXICAN
Hello, senor. You going to get a flight out to Moscow? We are leaving in ten minutes, so you'd better hop on the plane.

CHILLY
Hey, you don't sound Russian.

MEXICAN
I'm a secret agent, you silly person.

SOUND FX: Chime

MEXICAN
There's the doorbell, it's time to go. Come on, come on, everybody. All aboard. We are going to Moscow...for spies only.

CHILLY
Hey, I'm not a spy. I'm just a...tourist. But, uh, no. You have to be a spy to get on this flight?

MEXICAN
Uh, yeah.

SOUND FX: Mexican music

MEXICAN
Oh, I'm sorry, senor. The flight has already left. Too bad. I guess your mission is over.

CHILLY
Oh, no! Well, I guess it's just back to home and another adventure in the next series of cartoons.

SOUND FX: Car crash

CHILLY
Oh, no, someone must have had an accident outside the airport! Oh, well.

SOUND FX: "Looney Tunes" closing theme

SOUND FX: Music from another cartoon

DUCK
Oh, hi...

SIGGY LLAMA
Whoa! We almost went into the next cartoon! Why didn't they splice that film a little better? Oh, well, those wacky '50s Warner Brothers cartoon people.

HUGH JASPER
I don't understand them myself. I was really getting into that, too.