Tennessee Tuxedo Starts a Radio Station

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! March 7, 1994

Transcriber's Note: Normally, Siggy would have played Tennessee Tuxedo and Hugh would have played Chumley, but this episode was called "Switch to Yer Az-Mar!". I hadn't seen a "Tennessee Tuxedo" episode in years, and so had forgotten about Phineas J. Whoopie's magic chalkboard. (I didn't get a lot of time to prepare for the role; I had the microphone unexpectedly shoved into my face.)

                         CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Tennessee Tuxedo.................................................Hugh Jasper
Chumley..........................................................Siggy Llama
Announcer........................................................Hugh Jasper
Phineas J. Whoopie.............................................Mr. Announcer
Stanley Livingston...............................................Siggy Llama
Leo the Lion.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Arnie the Aardvark...............................................Siggy Llama
Squirrels........................................................Siggy Llama
Billy the Goat...................................................Siggy Llama
Andy the Anaconda................................................Hugh Jasper
Wilbur the Wildebeest............................................Siggy Llama
The Proclaimers.....................................Siggy Llama, Hugh Jasper
The Edge.........................................................Hugh Jasper
Bono.............................................................Siggy Llama
Liverpudlian #1..................................................Siggy Llama
Liverpudlian #2..................................................Hugh Jasper
The Queenhaters.....................................Siggy Llama, Hugh Jasper
Mayor............................................................Hugh Jasper

CHUMLEY
Duh, yeah, Tennessee. Uh, who was that by?

TENNESSEE
Uh, that was by the Who.

CHUMLEY
What?

TENNESSEE
That was by the Who.

CHUMLEY
That's what I asked you.

TENNESSEE
Now, don't start that, Chumley....Well, you know, I always love radio. Maybe we could just get a radio station here in this zoo. It would just make things so much better.

CHUMLEY
That's a great idea, Tennessee Tuxedo.

TENNESSEE
I know what we'll do. We'll talk to Phineas J. Whoopie. First, we have to get out of this...

CHUMLEY
We have to learn how to make a radio.

ANNOUNCER
And so, our friends visited renowned genius Phineas J. Whoopie to learn more about the radio process.

TENNESSEE
Well, Mr. Whoopie, could you tell us a little bit about radio?

PHINEAS
Uh, certainly. Here's how radio works. Someone talks into a microphone, a device that translates electricity...your voice...it translates your voice into electricity. The electricity goes through wires into a radio transmitter, which sends your voice all through the atmosphere, throughout the whole world. And then people use a radio, which translates your voice back into...back into electricity, and then it translates it back into your voice, and it comes out through a speaker, and people worldwide can listen to your voice.

CHUMLEY
Duh, so we'll be able to talk to people all around the world?

PHINEAS
Yes, if you get a shortwave radio station. That's a radio station that uses waves that are very short. They go all the way around the world. Then there are longwave radio stations, which don't go as far.

CHUMLEY
But that doesn't make any sense. Why does a short wave go far and a long wave go short?

PHINEAS
Um, um, uh, well, uh, it's, it's like this, see, uh, short waves...are, are, uh...they're...they can easily penetrate the atmosphere because they're so short, whereas long waves have trouble getting through the atmosphere.

TENNESSEE
I see completely. Phineas J. Whoopie, you're a genius. Come on, Chumley, let's go.

CHUMLEY
But we haven't learned yet how we can make our own radio.

TENNESSEE
Never mind that. We can just get some boxes and we'll be all set. Let's go.

ANNOUNCER
So our friends head back to the zoo, where they meet Mr. Stanley Livingston, zoo director.

LIVINGSTON
Now, Tennessee, what are you gonna do?

TENNESSEE
Well, look at this, Stanley, we're gonna have a radio station for the zoo, call it Zoo Radio. What do you think?

LIVINGSTON
Oh, but we'll be fined by that Irish band.

TENNESSEE
Uh, what Irish band do you mean by that, Stanley?

LIVINGSTON
U2.

TENNESSEE
Well, same to you, Stanley. Come on, Chumley.

CHUMLEY
Yeah, that sounded like another Costello routine to me, almost.

ANNOUNCER
And so our friends head back to their cave to work on their radio.

CHUMLEY
Aw, Tennessee, I'm tired of eating all this cereal to get all these boxes for our radios.

TENNESSEE
Don't worry, Chumley, you just have 42 more to go. And look, you get a free prize.

CHUMLEY
Oh, it's a decoder ring. I wonder what the code is?

TENNESSEE
Well, we'll find out in a second, Chumley. Keep eating.

ANNOUNCER
And so, through the wee hours of the night, Chumley ate. And ate. And ate.

CHUMLEY
(Moan) I don't feel so good. I can't even reach my decoder ring.

TENNESSEE
Well, Chumley, here's the thing that'll fix you up. We have one more box to go. It's 40% Bran Flakes. Here you go.

CHUMLEY
(Moan) My digestive system's gonna be asking for it.

TENNESSEE
But, Chumley, it's all in the name of progress, so eat away.

CHUMLEY
(Eating noises) Couldn't you at least get some walrus cereal?

TENNESSEE
Well, Chumley, the zoo store was out.

ANNOUNCER
And so our friends worked day and night putting boxes together until, at last, they had...a big box.

CHUMLEY
Finally, we can give all these boxes to all the animals and they can all listen to our radio show.

TENNESSEE
Yes, so let's distribute them right now. Here you go, Leo the Lion.

LEO
Thanks, Tennessee!

CHUMLEY
Here you go, Arnie the Aardvark.

ARNIE
Okay!

TENNESSEE
Uh, here you go, you silly squirrels.

SQUIRRELS
(Chattering noises)

TENNESSEE
Here you go...Billy the Goat.

BILLY
(Makes goat noise)

CHUMLEY
Here you go, uh, Andy the Anaconda.

ANDY
Ssssthanksssss a lotssssss.

CHUMLEY
Here you go, Lenny the Lemur.

LENNY
(Silence)

CHUMLEY
C'mon, Lenny, aren't you gonna thank me?

LENNY
(Silence)

TENNESSEE
I think he's trying to, Tennessee. Lemurs can't talk.

CHUMLEY
Oh, I forgot.

TENNESSEE
Here you go, Wilbur the Wildebeest.

WILBUR
(Makes wildebeest noise)

TENNESSEE
Here you go, Mr. Livingston.

LIVINGSTON
Tennessee, what are you trying to do?

TENNESSEE
Well, we're having...we're distributing radios to all the zoo animals in the zoo. We're going to start broadcasting right now.

LIVINGSTON
But you can't do that! The mayor's coming and he can't see all the animals watching radio because they need to be acting like they're in the wild!

TENNESSEE
But Mr. Livingston, this is progress. Come on, Chumley, let's get started.

CHUMLEY
I hope the mayor doesn't l...I hope the mayor likes our radio program, Tennessee. But what are we going to do?

TENNESSEE
Well, come here, Chumley, I'll discuss it with you right now. (Whispers)

ANNOUNCER
And so our friends discussed day and night until the very next morning...

TENNESSEE
Well, Chumley, what do you think?

CHUMLEY
I think our radio station's going very well.

THE PROCLAIMERS
And I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walks five thousand miles
And fall down right at your door
La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

CHUMLEY
Boy, these...these Scottish bands sure sing good, Tennessee.

TENNESSEE
Yes they do, Chumley. Maybe we should get some...another band to play.

CHUMLEY
Duh....Who do you think we should get?

TENNESSEE
Dunno...Stanley mentioned something about U2.

CHUMLEY
Ah! They're a Scottish band too, I think.

TENNESSEE
Come on, Chumley, let's go get 'em.

ANNOUNCER
And so our friends traveled the great Atlantic Ocean until reaching the city of Dublin.

CHUMLEY
Uh, say, Mr. The Edge, uh, could you come play on our zoo radio station?

THE EDGE
What do you want...what do you want me for your station for?

CHUMLEY
Well, we want to entertain the animals so we can have free speech.

THE EDGE
All right. That sounds good to me. Let me tell Bono and the rest of the guys. Hey guys! Come in here.

BONO
Yeah, what do you want? Yeah, how can I help ya?

THE EDGE
Uh, this walrus and this penguin. They want us to perform at their zoo radio something.

BONO
Hey, let me tell you what's happening in the southern zoo. Uh, you know, these animals are listening to radio and not, uh, not acting like animals anymore. What's the glory in that? You know, uh, a wildebeest is dragged from his cage and forced to listen to radio instead of grazing in the fields of Africa and his freedom. Where's the glory in that?

TENNESSEE
Uh, maybe we'd better go, Chumley. Uh, he seems kind of upset.

CHUMLEY
Yeah, I don't think this was a good idea. Maybe they just like television.

TENNESSEE
I know, Chumley. England's right across this ocean. Let's go over there.

CHUMLEY
Maybe we can get the Beatles. They're animals too.

ANNOUNCER
And so, our friends traveled across the great Irish Sea until they reached... Liverpool.

CHUMLEY
Duh...I can't find the Beatles.

TENNESSEE
Maybe if we asked somebody. Excuse me, sir.

LIVERPUDLIAN #1
Right. What?

TENNESSEE
Uh, could you please tell us where the Beatles are?

LIVERPUDLIAN #1
Right. Grow me.

TENNESSEE
Uh, let me ask somebody else. Excuse me, sir.

LIVERPUDLIAN #2
(Screaming) What do you want?

TENNESSEE
Um, uh, Chumley, you tell him.

CHUMLEY
Uh, could you tell me where we could find the Beatles?

LIVERPUDLIAN #2
The Beatles! What do you want to know about the Beatles for?! They don't exist anymore! It's lousy music, don't you understand? It's all a bunch of...well, I can't say it right now, but do you know what I'm saying? You oughta listen to punk! You got punk! You oughta listen to groups like the Queenhaters!

CHUMLEY
Oh, so the Beatles aren't any good. Could you recommend another band?

LIVERPUDLIAN #2
I just told you a bloody band, you bloody stupid walrus! The Queenhaters! Here! I got a song by them! Take this back to the States! So that way you'll knock 'em down in your stupid wherever-you-are!

CHUMLEY
Okay, thank you.

LIVERPUDLIAN #2
Aw, you can just go take a flying leap!

TENNESSEE
Well, Chumley, this is it. We've got another record, so let's go.

THE QUEENHATERS
I hate the bloody Queen
She made me go to school
I hate the bloody Queen
And all her bloody rules
If I met the Queen
I'd punch her in the face
And then I'd chew her eyes out
Does that make you laugh?
I hate the bloody Queen
She made me go to school
I hate the bloody Queen
And all her bloody rules
I'd like to drown the Queen
In a vat of turpentine
Then I'd chew her nose off
Oh, that would make me laugh
I wish I'd never been saddled with a government like that

CHUMLEY
Duh...I don't think that went over very well, Tennessee.

TENNESSEE
Oh, Chumley, don't underestimate your chances. This is, after all, a radio station. People will love it.

CHUMLEY
But the queen bee flew away from the hive and won't come back.

TENNESSEE
Maybe she's just upset. Maybe we struck a wrong chord, or stung her the wrong way. Ah ha ha, ah ha, ah ha.

CHUMLEY
Uh, maybe we should go with a talk format.

TENNESSEE
We should try that.

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, at Mr. Livingston's office...

LIVINGSTON
What is this they're playing on the radio?

MAYOR
Listen here, Mis...Listen here, Livingston, this is your zoo. I expect you to get rid of this radio!

LIVINGSTON
I'll get right to the bottom of this, Mr. Mayor. Don't you worry.

MAYOR
You'd better. I'm up for reelection, and I don't want anything to happen.

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile...

CHUMLEY
So, Tennessee, what you're saying is you think the Bradley bill is good for controlling firearms because it will help reduce the, uh, casualties to animals like ourselves.

TENNESSEE
That's true, Chumley, because you cannot trust many members of the N.R.A. because a lot of them really don't think that straight. This is Zoo Net, so give us a call here at 1-800-TALK-TO-ME. I'm Tennessee Tuxedo with my friend Chumley, broadcasting here on the Zoo Radio Network. And any topics for debate, just give us a call...

CHUMLEY
Oh, we have a call now. Uh, hello, you're on the air.

LIVINGSTON
Tennessee, I want you to shut down this radio station!

TENNESSEE
Oh, it's Mr. Livingston! Come on, Chumley, let's go!

CHUMLEY
Aaaah! We'd better scat!

ANNOUNCER
And so our friends flee, fleeing the wrath of Mr. Livingston and Mr. Mayor right behind them in pursuit.

MAYOR
Get 'em, Livingston! If I don't get reelected, I'll have your hide!

LIVINGSTON
Oh! Oh, I could use those kickbacks if you get elected! Tennessee!

TENNESSEE
You know, Chumley, I bet if we run to Tijuana...I'll buy you a tequila.

CHUMLEY
Duh, okay, and I'll buy you a...uh...uh...never mind.