Good Morning, Waterworld

By Jim Ellwanger...Originally aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! July 15, 1995

Author's Note: The strength of Sucks to Yer Az-Mar was in its improvising. This was probably the one good idea I had during the summer of 1995 (some of the bad ideas included deciding not to go home to Florida during the hottest summer in Chicago history). No, I haven't seen the movie (still!).

ALAN AQUA
Oh, yeah! Thank you, Louis Armstrong. Good morning, Waterworld! It's 7:04 and this is Alan Aqua in the Morning on W-A-T-E-R. Time for traffic. Let's go over to Sailor George and our Ear at the Pier.

SAILOR GEORGE
(in helicopter) This is W-A-T-E-R Traffic, I'm the Ear at the Pier. The Costner Memorial Waterway is completely stern-to-bow this morning. It'll take you about an hour to get to downtown Waterworld that way, so try an alternate canal or inlet. A cutty sark jackknifed on the side of the Admiral Nelson and there's some gapers' delays. Forty-three minutes to downtown, and you'll save about five minutes in the express current. Other than that, all the boats are floating smoothly.

ALAN AQUA
Thanks, George. You know, I was just thinking, we should start calling this place Skyworld. There's a lot more sky than water. What do you think?...Yeah, maybe not. Hey, it's time for another crazy call here on the Alan Aqua in the Morning show. We're calling Fred's Plumbing over in East Waterworld. I'll just dial that in on the phone here...

SOUND FX:Phone rings

FRED
Hello, Fred's Plumbing. This is Fred speaking.

ALAN AQUA
Hey, Fred, is the water running?

FRED
Is the water running?

ALAN AQUA
Well, you'd better go catch it! No, seriously, Fred, I have a question for you. Is it true Waterworld developed from all the bathtubs on Earth overflowing?

FRED
What? No, that's not true! Hey, who is this anyway?

ALAN AQUA
It's Alan Aqua in the Morning and you're live on W-A-T-E-R. We've got an "I Was a Victim of an Alan Aqua Crazy Call" T-shirt to send to you. Thanks for being such a good sport. It's 7:07 now, and look who just walked into the studio. It's our new station manager here at W-A-T-E-R, Commodore Richie. So, how does it feel to be named after a soft-pop favorite?

COMMODORE RICHIE
Richie is my first name.

ALAN AQUA
He was better when he was with the Commodores, don't you think?

COMMODORE RICHIE
It's a good thing you really bring in the ratings, Alan Aqua.

ALAN AQUA
Oh, we really kid around, here at W-A-T-E-R. Thanks, Commodore, and I'll see you at the staff meeting later this morning.

COMMODORE RICHIE
The staff meeting was yesterday morning. [mutters] It's bad enough I was named after a soft-pop favorite. But why didn't I have the foresight not to join the Navy?

ALAN AQUA
And here's a message from the Waterworld Consumer Affairs Bureau. That pure dirt you're buying may not be pure dirt. If you have any doubts, it pays to have your dirt checked thoroughly by a dirt appraiser. And make sure the appraiser has an up-to-date license. This message brought to you by the Waterworld Consumer Affairs Bureau and the Ad Council. 7:08 and time for a quick check of the weather. Partly cloudy today with a high of 92. There's a chance for a thunderstorm this evening, so don't forget to put out those freshwater collection devices. It's currently 73 degrees, but...cooler near the water. Ha, ha, ha. The entertainment report's coming up after this. Alan Aqua in the Morning on W-A-T-E-R.