The Zephyr Cafe

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! August 19, 1995

                       CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Siggy Llama..........................................................Himself
Hugh Jasper..........................................................Himself
Trucker #1 ("Afghan"/"Big Bob")..................................Siggy Llama
Trucker #2 ("Big Bear"/"Big Jim")................................Hugh Jasper
Waitress.........................................................Siggy Llama
Meek Trucker.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Latka............................................................Hugh Jasper
Trucker #2's Mother..............................................Siggy Llama
Trucking Company Owner...........................................Siggy Llama
Trucker #3.......................................................Hugh Jasper
Drive-Thru Worker #1 (Intercom)..................................Hugh Jasper
Drive-Thru Worker #2 (Window 1)..................................Hugh Jasper
Drive-Thru Worker #3 (Window 2)..................................Hugh Jasper
Drive-Thru Worker #4 (Window 3)..................................Hugh Jasper
Drive-Thru Worker #5 (Window 4)..................................Hugh Jasper
Manager..........................................................Hugh Jasper
Fortune-teller...................................................Hugh Jasper
Commercial Singer #1.............................................Siggy Llama
Commercial Singer #2.............................................Hugh Jasper
Larry Csonka.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Dan Dierdorf.....................................................Siggy Llama
Al Michaels......................................................Hugh Jasper
Barry White......................................................Siggy Llama
"Superman" Randy "The Pirate" Savage.............................Siggy Llama
Harry Schmerler..................................................Hugh Jasper
Soothing Announcer...............................................Hugh Jasper
Mr. Announcer........................................................Himself
News Announcer #1................................................Siggy Llama
News Announcer #2................................................Hugh Jasper
Jim Hunter.....................................................Mr. Announcer
Floyd Kalber.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Reporter #1......................................................Siggy Llama
Reporter #2......................................................Hugh Jasper
Bear.............................................................Siggy Llama
Weatherman.......................................................Siggy Llama
Sportscaster.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Human Interest Reporter..........................................Siggy Llama
Anchorman........................................................Hugh Jasper
Mr. Manager......................................................Siggy Llama

HUGH JASPER
Yes, we did.

SIGGY LLAMA
I'm gonna plug them just 'cause they were so darn good. We went down to Clark Street and had beef burritos at El Famous Burrito.

HUGH JASPER
Well, I had a chicken burrito.

SIGGY LLAMA
Oh. I had a beef burrito.

HUGH JASPER
Still, it was really good.

SIGGY LLAMA
I think Mr. Announcer had a beef burrito, too, although he's not listening to us now, but that's okay.

HUGH JASPER
That's good.

SIGGY LLAMA
And then we went to the Zephyr Cafe and had huge shakes.

HUGH JASPER
64 ounces. That's, like, two and a half pounds of milkshake.

SIGGY LLAMA
Yeah. Well, no, that's, like, four pounds, isn't it?

HUGH JASPER
Well, a pint is -- yeah, it is four pounds.

SIGGY LLAMA
Yeah, except we only drank two pounds each 'cause we split it with another person.

HUGH JASPER
Yeah, but it was so good and...

SIGGY LLAMA
Ahh.

HUGH JASPER
...I have yet to feel the repercussions...

SIGGY LLAMA
Nummy-num-num-num-nummers.

HUGH JASPER
...from that experience, but, so -- Of course, we're not allowed to plug on the show, so...

SIGGY LLAMA
Well, we just mentioned them.

HUGH JASPER
Yeah, but we said they were really good and stuff, so...

SIGGY LLAMA
That's okay. They were.

HUGH JASPER
But we're not plugging, so in case anybody from the FCC is listening, that was not a plug.

SIGGY LLAMA
No, our tastes may vary widely from yours, so it doesn't mean -- it doesn't mean you'll want to go.

HUGH JASPER
Actually, we didn't, like, tell them to go, so I guess that's okay.

SIGGY LLAMA
Although let's reproduce what was interpreted as being done at the Zephyr -- at the cafe. Remember what we were doing? It's like...

TRUCKER #1
Hey, 10-4 there, Big Bear. On I-94. Do you know a little place to eat here in Chicago?

TRUCKER #2
Well, Afghan, there's a place -- it's a cafe just off the Interstate. I think it's something with a Z. I heard about it. It's pretty good.

TRUCKER #1
They got good milkshakes there?

TRUCKER #2
Oh, man, they got the biggest milkshakes -- it'd take you three days just to drink one.

TRUCKER #1
Well, hell, shoot. I want to stop by there.

TRUCKER #2
Hey, let's get a convoy going to the cafe.

TRUCKER #1
Gonna put the hammer down. I'll see you over there in a 20.

TRUCKER #2
10-4. Over and out.

SOUND FX: Truck brakes

TRUCKER #1
Hey there, Big Jim.

TRUCKER #2
Hey there, Big Bob.

TRUCKER #1
What you hauling?

TRUCKER #2
Uh, let me check my cargo. Uh, styrofoam. What are you hauling?

TRUCKER #1
I'm hauling pure chlorofluorocarbons.

TRUCKER #2
Oh, you mean CFCs?

TRUCKER #1
Yeah.

TRUCKER #2
Well, it's a good thing -- hey, you got them all?

TRUCKER #1
Oh, yeah.

TRUCKER #2
I heard they were all banned in the country.

TRUCKER #1
No, I got every last one of them, and I'm shipping them to the sun.

TRUCKER #2
Good for you. You taking the Intergalactic Highway?

TRUCKER #1
Yep.

TRUCKER #2
Hey, don't forget to stop at Mercury. I heard it's pretty hot there.

TRUCKER #1
Well, I got -- I got stuck in Saturn. I threw my asteroid belt. Ha ha ha.

TRUCKER #2
Ha ha ha ha...

TRUCKER #1
Love that one.

TRUCKER #2
...ha ha ha ha.

TRUCKER #1
Hey there, missy. How you doing?

WAITRESS
Well, we're just doing fine over here. Where are you boys coming from?

TRUCKER #2
I'm coming from Newark, I believe. Somewhere in Newark.

TRUCKER #1
I'm coming from Rapid City.

WAITRESS
Well, you don't say.

TRUCKER #1
Yes, I do.

MEEK TRUCKER
Well, I come from Buffalo. Uh, shipping wings.

TRUCKER #1
The TV show?

MEEK TRUCKER
Yes, yes, Crystal Bernard's in the way back, and, hey, look, there's that -- there's that mechanic. I forget his name. We just call him the mechanic, 'cause...well, he has a show on Fox, so we have him --

TRUCKER #1
Isn't that Latka?

LATKA
Thank you very much.

MEEK TRUCKER
Shut up. Yeah, shipping them out -- we had to pick them up at Nantucket, and -- they're moving the location of the show to Los Angeles. They're following the "Laverne & Shirley" route, how they moved from Milwaukee to L.A., so I guess it's the big thing nowadays.

TRUCKER #1
And like "Perfect Strangers," where they moved from Chicago to the gutter. Ha ha ha ha.

TRUCKER #2
Ha ha ha! Damn, that's funny! Ha ha ha! Man, you sure know how to tell them. Ha ha ha!

WAITRESS
Doesn't that hurt your voice to talk like that?

TRUCKER #2
Well, I can't help the way I talk. Why, I remember back in the old days...

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

TRUCKER #2
(Prepubescent voice) Mama, I want to be a trucker.

TRUCKER #2'S MOTHER
Now, boy, I'm not letting any of my boys grow up to be truckers. You're going to be a cost accountant.

TRUCKER #2
But -- but, Mama, accountancy is so dull and boring and uninteresting.

TRUCKER #2'S MOTHER
No, no, accounting's fun and exciting. See, this piece of paper is, like, actually a really flat rectangular dragon, and this -- this pen -- this is the sword you're going to fight it with, and this abacus, this is, like, the treasure you're going to get.

TRUCKER #2
Oh, wow, since you explained it that way, oh, boy, I can't wait to get into (voice changes) chartered accountancy. Hey, what happened, Mom?

TRUCKER #2'S MOTHER
Oh, no.

TRUCKER #2
I feel funny.

TRUCKER #2'S MOTHER
You could never settle an account over the phone with that voice.

TRUCKER #2
Oh, no, I'm growing hair, Mom!

TRUCKER #2'S MOTHER
That's more of a CB voice. You better be a trucker.

TRUCKER #2
Oh, boy, my lifelong dream, to be a trucker.

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

TRUCKER #2
And that's how it happened. It was fate, I tells you.

MEEK TRUCKER
Well, that's all well and good. See, well, I became a trucker -- it happened about six weeks ago.

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

MEEK TRUCKER
Hello, sir, I'd like to apply to be a trucker.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
You say you want to be a trucker?

MEEK TRUCKER
Yes, that's right.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Let me see. I don't know if you really fit the mold we're looking for. I mean, you look kind of active, you know, like you want to walk around or something.

MEEK TRUCKER
Oh, you don't know how I long to just sit 18 hours a day -- just sit and not move.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
All right, well, let me quiz you. Let's see. Now, a station wagon full of kids comes up on your left...

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh-huh.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
...and one of the kids is bobbing his arm up and down in the back of the station wagon. What do you do?

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, I know this one. Uh...flick him off.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
(Reluctantly) Well, we'll take it.

MEEK TRUCKER
Well, first -- wait, no, no, okay. First, you pull the horn, then you flick him off.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
All right, that's the answer we were looking for. All right, you own your own rig.

MEEK TRUCKER
False.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
No, this is hypothetical.

MEEK TRUCKER
Oh.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
You own your own rig. What will you paint on the side?

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, a naked girl.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
What kind of pose?

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, her back.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Hmm. Well, we like a little booby action, you know.

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, she's -- she's getting up. You can see half her right boob.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Okay, well, that's fine, I guess. I'm left-handed --

MEEK TRUCKER
I can draw a full frontal shot if you want me to.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
I'm left-handed myself, but, you know, I guess on the other side, it will be the left one, unless, you know --

MEEK TRUCKER
Well, actually, that'd be on the other side of the truck, would be the full frontal shot.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Oh. Well, that's -- well, there you go. That's the kind of creativity us -- we like to see, 'cause we know that creative people tend to be creative in more than one area, and so that means you're going to find creative routes in which to make your deliveries. Now, for our last question, you own your own rig. What are you going to name your rig?

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, Big Bertha.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Hmm. That's been done.

MEEK TRUCKER
Big Lucy.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
I knew a guy --

MEEK TRUCKER
I Love Big Lucy.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
I knew a guy who had a semi down in Louisiana. He had a Big Lucy, so, no, that won't work.

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, Big -- Big Guinevere.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
No, Big Chet Ryder down in Virginia, he had a Big Guinevere. That's not gonna --

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, Big Ethel?

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
No, guy with a hatchet down in Phoenix, he had a Big Ethel. Real nice job. He had a full kitchen in the back and a hotel he could keep six guests.

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh...(burps) Ooh, pardon me.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Hey, that's original. How do you spell that?

MEEK TRUCKER
Uh, it's, uh, uh, er, ep.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Wow, doesn't even use the English alphabet. You're signed.

MEEK TRUCKER
Thank you very -- oh.

TRUCKING COMPANY OWNER
Sign on this dotted line. No, that's the one you cut on for the coupon.

MEEK TRUCKER
Oh, I see -- oh, $10 off being a trucker. Wow. Oh, I also know the song. Does that give me extra credit?
You know...(singing) We all got a convoy, ain't it a beautiful sight?
We all got a convoy...

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

MEEK TRUCKER
And that's how I became a trucker.

WAITRESS
Wow, that's a real good story. Don't you want to know how I became a waitress?

MEEK TRUCKER
Sure.

TRUCKER #2
Yeah! I feel like hearing a good story.

WAITRESS
All right. Well, here it goes...

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

WAITRESS
Say, it sure is fun riding shotgun in this big rig of yours.

TRUCKER #3
Well, I'm glad you like it. Say, what say we stop at this truck stop? I got a -- yeah, I got to stop for a sec. Yeah.

WAITRESS
Well, why don't we just go through the drive-thru?

TRUCKER #3
Uh, tell you what. You get out, walk to the drive-thru and tell them what you want, and I'll pull up behind you.

WAITRESS
Okay. Uh, I guess I'll speak into this little speaker box. Uh, hello?

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #1
Hello...(unintelligible)

WAITRESS
Um, I'll take, uh, three hamburgers and three pops.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #1
(Unintelligible)

WAITRESS
Okay.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #1
(Unintelligible)

WAITRESS
Okay, I'll go to Window 1. Oh, okay. Here's -- what? How much...

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #2
That'll be $27.95.

WAITRESS
20 -- okay. Um, do you have change for a $30?

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #2
Uh, yes, I do. $2.78.

WAITRESS
Okay. Uh...

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #2
Please pull to Window 2 to get your receipt.

WAITRESS
Well, can I walk there since I don't have nothing to pull?

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #2
Well, see, you'll have to pull up to the next window, so, fortunately, we have a wagon right here you can pull up. It's required.

WAITRESS
Oh, a little cute Radio Flyer. Okay.

SOUND FX: Wheels squeaking

WAITRESS
It's kind of cute. Sounds like a shopping cart, though. Okay, here I am. Window 2. Give me my order.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #3
Here's your receipt.

WAITRESS
Receipt? Ooh, these fast-food restaurants getting more and more like Wal-Mart every day.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #3
Please pull up to Window 3 for your first item.

WAITRESS
What?

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #3
Please pull up to Window 3 for your first item.

WAITRESS
Oh, okay. I guess I ought to know. This must be one of them, like, Cineplex Odeon fast-food restaurants or something. All right, here I am at Window 3.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #4
Yeah, can I have your receipt?

WAITRESS
Uh, here you go.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #4
Okay.

WAITRESS
But --

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #4
Please pull up to Window 4 to get your first item.

WAITRESS
I thought I was supposed to get my first item at Window 3.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #4
Oh, that's just a joke Leroy has at Window 2. He tells that to everybody. Oh, that Leroy. Ha ha ha ha.

WAITRESS
Oh, he's funny. Okay, uh...okay, here I am at Window 4.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #5
Here you are. One fry.

WAITRESS
All right -- I didn't order a fry.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #5
Please pull up to Window 5 for your second fry.

WAITRESS
I didn't order fries. I want to see the manager.

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #5
Oh, you didn't order fries. I'm sorry. You'll have to go to Window 28, down thataway.

WAITRESS
Don't you know how to take an order? I ordered three hamburgers and three Cokes, and I need those on the double. I got hungry customers out here waiting! I got hungry mouths to feed!

DRIVE-THRU WORKER #5
Please go to Window 28 to see the manager.

WAITRESS
Manager, I am mad as all heck.

MANAGER
Yeeeeeees? How can I help you?

WAITRESS
Well, I ordered three hamburgers and three Cokes, and I haven't got any of them.

MANAGER
Ooh, well, you see, we're short-handed here.

WAITRESS
I don't care. I didn't order hands.

MANAGER
Well, we could really use the help. Do you know of anybody who would like to, say, be a waitress?

WAITRESS
Well, a fortune-teller once told me it was my destiny to become a waitress.

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

FORTUNE-TELLER
I see in your future -- you are going to be serving lots and lots of people.

WAITRESS
I'm going to be a prostitute?

FORTUNE-TELLER
No, 'cause they leave tips. You'll become...a Carnival cruise director. No, wait.

WAITRESS
Oh, I can -- if you could just see me now...

SOUND FX: Flashback noise

COMMERCIAL SINGERS #1 & #2
If you could see me now, out on a da-da cruise,
La la la la la la la la la la la, la la la...

LARRY CSONKA
Hi, I'm football pro Larry Csonka, and there's nothing that I like to do better than exercise by the pool and throw people overboard.

SOUND FX: "Sploosh!"

LARRY CSONKA
And here to tell you more is -- is ABC commentator Dan Dierdorf. Dan, what do you think of the cruise?

DAN DIERDORF
Well, Larry Csonka's an Adonis of a man. If you've seen this man in the locker room, you know he's a virtual Adonis, and, boy, can he run on the field. Once, back in the great 1972 Miami Dolphins season with two 1,000-yard rushers, Larry Csonka led them all. The fullback, the towering bull of a man -- yes, and a sensible dinner.

AL MICHAELS
Thank you very much, Dan. Going on three minutes left in the third quarter here in the 98th season of "Monday Night Football" on ABC.

DAN DIERDORF
And Tampa Bay is winning -- 42, Carolina, nothing. Boy, Tampa Bay is having a field day with this situation.

AL MICHAELS
Let's check the scoreboard to see the other scores from around the nation. We see the Freeport, Illinois, Frees lead the Lake Elsinore Lakes 28-7, that's in the second quarter. The Yellowknife, Canada, Yellowknives lead the Winnipeg Winnipeggos 13-12, that's in the fourth quarter. And we have a report down on the field from a very special guest commentator. Barry White joining us here on the football field.

BARRY WHITE
Well, I was never much of a football fan myself. The lady folks like to watch the soap operas, and so I like to have something to talk about when I meet them at a party or a lounge or my bedroom, 'cause, you know, I have a revolving door, and, you know, so I get down with, you know, what's happening with "All My Children" or "The Loving Murders" or things like that so I can talk to them, but Minnesota's crushing pass rush has the Miami offense disabled, and Dan Marino's an Adonis of a man, and I don't want to see no panties.

DAN DIERDORF
Yes, very good. He is an Adonis of a man. Actually, I thought he was more of a Phoebus Apollo myself, but I understand the correlation.

AL MICHAELS
Well, we're coming up on the 8-minute warning of the third quarter, so we'll be back after these messages.

COMMERCIAL SINGER #1
Brush your breath, brush your breath, brush your breath with Dentyne.

DAN DIERDORF
We're back here with football action --

AL MICHAELS
Excuse me, Dan, but I'll do the announcing around here. You're just color. We're back here at the Tampa Bay Super Tampa Metro Idiosyncratech Dome, funded in part by the First Southern National Bank and PepsiCo.

DAN DIERDORF
And now we have a guest from W-T-L-Iota here in Tampa Bay, guest commentator "Superman" Randy "The Pirate" Savage.

"SUPERMAN" RANDY "THE PIRATE" SAVAGE
Arr, and we have a good match here on the field. Arr, arr, and Trent Dilfer walks the plank on that play. The pass rush is the scourge of the football field. Arr. The gridiron monkeys with their sea dog at the helm. Arr, arr. (Parrot squawks) Arr.

AL MICHAELS
(Southern accent) Well, thank you very much for that report.
(Normal) Oh, sorry, I went into my Southern drawl there for a second, Dan. If you ever realized, I was born in a Southern state.

DAN DIERDORF
Yes, I did realize that.

AL MICHAELS
Of course, I like to hide my accent, because, you know, the Southern accent is very dumb-sounding.

DAN DIERDORF
Well, it does make you sound stupid. You know, the way you talk is very important to how intelligent people think you are. You know, it's important to spend many hours each day working on your speaking voice so you're not thought of less intelligent by your peers.

AL MICHAELS
Well said, Dan. And we're now on the 7:59-minute warning of the third quarter, and we'll be back after these messages.

HARRY SCHMERLER
(Singing) Rock-a-bye your baby. (Normal) Hi, I'm Harry Schmerler, your singing Ford dealer. We have sales across the nation, from Passaic, New Jersey, to Portland, Oregon. That's right. Visit one of my 3,000 stores, and remember...
(Singing) Rock-a-bye your baby.

COMMERCIAL SINGER #1
Now there's 3,000. Now there's 3,000.
Joe Rizzo Ford has 3,000,
and there's Henry Schmerler Ford, too.

SOOTHING ANNOUNCER
And we'd just like to remind you all that you're listening to the soft, soothing sounds of WNUR-FM, Evanston's Sound Experiment.

MR. ANNOUNCER
WNUR News, after the game.

AL MICHAELS
And that'll just -- that'll just about do it here from the Super Super-riffic Incredible Big Huge Large Tampa Super-Wuper-Duper Dome, and the final score, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 304, the Carolina Panthers 12.

DAN DIERDORF
Yes, you've heard in Comiskey Park in Chicago, they have the nosebleed seats. Well, here, up in the upper deck, they have the your-head-explodes seats.

SOUND FX: Explosion

AL MICHAELS
Oh, there goes another one.

DAN DIERDORF
Pop, pop, pop.

AL MICHAELS
As heads explode around us, for Dan Dierdorf, I'm Al Michaels, and stay tuned now for your local news.

SOUND FX: Beep-heavy news music

NEWS ANNOUNCER #1
Brought to you in Morse code.

NEWS ANNOUNCER #2
And now, time for WNUR News, with your host, Jim Hunter. (Whispers) Jim, you're on.

JIM HUNTER
Oh, yes. (Clears throat repeatedly) (Hocks up phlegm) Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is the WNUR News. Over to you.

FLOYD KALBER
Well, today at WNUR News, a mother duck was found floating on the lakefill with her little baby ducks, to which they said, "Quack, quack, quack." Over to you.

REPORTER #1
And there's been a big fire here at the Big Top Russian Circus here in downtown La Porte. The Russians seem to have a big fire-eater, but he belched, and...well, that wasn't funny. There's a big bear, and he ate some people and lots of kids had fun. Back to you.

REPORTER #2
I'm here live with the big bear in question, who has eaten 12 people now, and he's working on his 13th...

BEAR
Roar. Roar.

REPORTER #2
...and I believe he's washing down the people with a nice big bottle of Coca-Cola.

BEAR
(Gulps) (Sighs)

REPORTER #2
Mr. Bear, what did you think of -- how did the 13th person eat?

BEAR
Always Coca-Cola. Arr.

REPORTER #2
Yeah, that's well and good, but tell me, do you notice any aftertaste by eating that 13th person?

BEAR
Always.

REPORTER #2
Uh, what about the first 12 people you've eaten?

BEAR
It's the right one, baby. I mean, uh, it's the real thing. I mean, uh, it's a classic.

REPORTER #2
And what about the first person you ate, a Mr. Elroy Wiggins from south central...Naperville?

BEAR
Uh, he was pretty, uh, good.

REPORTER #2
Okay, now what about the second person you ate -- Mrs. Elroy Wiggins?

BEAR
Only you can prevent forest fires. Only you.

REPORTER #2
And of course, and then, number 3, 4, and 5 were all brothers -- the Fusco Brothers. You ate them all, and how did they taste?

BEAR
Well, they weren't as good as, say, Mother Goose and Grimm.

REPORTER #2
And how did they taste?

BEAR
Bad.

REPORTER #2
I see. And now over to you.

WEATHERMAN
Well, it's over to me here in the weather station. In Weather Central Station, we have a high-tech computer, we have lots of monitors here, as you can see, we have lots of flashing colored lights, and this all indicates that we have a computer front coming through the studio, which means more high-tech and more accurate weather forecasts, with a little more accuracy tonight, and tomorrow, accuracy will continue into the evening.

SPORTSCASTER
Well, it was a big day in sports today. Tampa Bay won its 398th game of the season, bringing their overall club record to 398 and 3,000 losses. And now over to you.

HUMAN INTEREST REPORTER
And now for the human interest story. Here at West Park Heltil Tilde Crust Crouton Central High School, one particular music teacher has been teaching violins to a bunch of poor kids who can't afford clothes. Asked why she bought violins with the school budget instead of clothes, she thought, "Well, you can learn naked, can't you?"

ANCHORMAN
And now time for the -- for our commentary, and here is our general manager, Mr. Manager.

MR. MANAGER
Well, I'm Mr. Manager, general manager around here. I don't have any particular function at the station. I'm just sort of a general manager-type figure. I sort of manage things. If I think things are looking unmanaged, I'll try to manage them and keep everything just, well -- your tie is crooked, son. Why don't you -- can you manage to straighten that tie?

ANCHORMAN
I'll try.

MR. MANAGER
Yes. Yes, everything's looking pretty good. I oversee the operations. I watch the TV during the day and, um, sometimes I'll tape the news and watch it again, but I'm always careful to mark the date on the tape so I don't get the days mixed up, 'cause I'd hate to think that, you know, the same thing happened day after day. It'd be like that funny Bill Murray movie about the -- where Bill Murray doesn't see his shadow, and therefore goes back into his hole. Your pen's in the wrong pocket. Didn't you get my memo? Pens go in right pockets. Yes.

ANCHORMAN
And that will conclude WNUR News for this evening, and we'd like to --

SOUND FX: Electronic news music

ANCHORMAN
And we'd like to end the program with a musical song.

SOUND FX: Electronic news music continues

ANCHORMAN
For all of us here at WNUR News, good night. And good morning. And good afternoon. And good riddance.

SOUND FX: Electronic news music continues

ANCHORMAN
Portions of the program were not pre-recorded.

SOUND FX: Electronic news music continues

ANCHORMAN
For a copy of this transcript, learn to write really, really fast.

SOUND FX: Electronic news music continues

ANCHORMAN
Copyright 1995, WNUR. All rights reserved. Maybe not all of them. Maybe some of them.

SOUND FX: Electronic news music continues

SOOTHING ANNOUNCER
And now it's time for the WNUR Community Calendar, brought to you as a local service of WNUR. Well, nothing's going on in Evanston this week. Stay tuned next week for WNUR's Community Calendar.

WAITRESS
So, anyway, that's how I became a waitress.

TRUCKER #1
That's some story.

TRUCKER #2
That's right. Hey, mind turning on the radio?

WAITRESS
Oh, sure...

SOUND FX: Click

WAITRESS
I mind.

HUGH JASPER
And we're back here on the big, big program that we all know and love as "Sucks to Yer Az-Mar!" In case you've forgotten, I am Hugh Jasper.

SIGGY LLAMA
And I'm not. Ha ha ha ha.