Airlines, Accept No Substitutes

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on The Complacents October 14, 1995

PASSENGER
We can't be at O'Hare already. We just left my office building!

CAB DRIVER
Yeah, the traffic on the Kennedy was really with us today. That'll be a dollar fifty-five.

PASSENGER
We didn't get on the Kennedy! You didn't turn off of Adams Street!

CAB DRIVER
That's right, I forgot. It's a new shortcut. Really saves a lot of time, doesn't it?

PASSENGER
Well, I guess so. Although this doesn't look like O'Hare.

CAB DRIVER
It's the new terminal. The one your airline's serving now.

PASSENGER
Hey, that reminds me! I didn't tell you which airline I'm flying on!

CAB DRIVER
I saw your ticket in your pocket.

PASSENGER
But I don't have a ticket! I'm using electronic ticketing! All I do is show a photo ID at the gate and get on the plane!

CAB DRIVER
Say, that shortcut saved a lot of time, didn't it? Why don't I walk you to your gate?

PASSENGER
I guess so. I usually like to stop in the airport lounge for a drink. I hope this new terminal has a lounge.

CAB DRIVER
I think it does, actually.

PASSENGER
Say, this new terminal is pretty nice. This staircase would be a great place to film a movie...but it doesn't look very handicapped-accessible.

CAB DRIVER
Well, there's the airport lounge, right over there.

PASSENGER
Why's it called "Choo Choo Charlie's"?

CAB DRIVER
I think it's because they serve food, too, you know? Chew your food.

PASSENGER
I'll have a gin and tonic.

BARTENDER
That's our "On Track" special today.

PASSENGER
"On Track" special?

CAB DRIVER
Sure, everyone has to sign a contract. The pilot, the flight engineer, the stewardesses...

ANNOUNCER
(through speaker, difficult to understand) Amtrak announces the departure of Hiawatha Service to Glenview, Sturtevant, and Milwaukee on Track Fifteen. Hiawatha Service, Track Fifteen.

PASSENGER
What was that?

CAB DRIVER
We've gotta go! That was the last call for your flight!

PASSENGER
But my flight doesn't leave for another hour!

CAB DRIVER
They're boarding flights a lot earlier these days! Follow me!

PASSENGER
(out of breath) Shouldn't there be metal detectors somewhere around here?

CAB DRIVER
(out of breath) Security is so advanced these days, they don't use the old kind of metal detector any more!

PASSENGER
(out of breath) Is this the gate already? This is a strange-looking jetway.

CAB DRIVER
(out of breath) Get on the plane! Quick! Through that door up there!

PASSENGER
(out of breath) This is the plane? Where are the wings?

CAB DRIVER
(out of breath) It's the new model from Boeing!

PASSENGER
(out of breath) Okay, well, thanks for all your help!

CAB DRIVER
Have a nice flight! (under breath) Sucker.

BARTENDER
Hi there. You may recognize me as the bartender from earlier in this little drama we've presented here. Although this has certainly been fun, it's not so fun when this happens in real life. Every day, thousands of people just like you mistake train stations for airports. The next time you're heading for an airport, keep the following mental checklist in mind. Do you see runways around, or just city streets? Are there metal detectors, or no security checkpoints whatsoever? Is the lounge named "Airport Lounge" or "Sleeping Car Steve's"? And finally, does the vehicle you are about to board have wings and a tail, or locomotives and a dining car?

ANNOUNCER
There's just no substitute for...air travel. Brought to you by America's airlines. Taking you up into the air and then putting you back down somewhere else since 1914.