Band on the Run (Earth Portion)

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on The Complacents April 6, 1996

ALANIS
So they just let you buy these things with no ID?

GENERAL
My military uniform is all the ID I need. "Listen here, private," I say, "I need the largest rocket launcher you've got. And put it on my Diners Club card."

ALANIS
Wow.

BLINDY
But how are we going to know when to fire off the rocket launcher so that it hits the escape pod the Complacents are in, but doesn't cause it to crash, just causes it to be knocked out of orbit towards Earth?

GENERAL
That's why 1-900-PHYSICS is a good number to know. I just called, gave them a few pieces of information, and they told us to fire it off at exactly four o'clock on the nose.

BLINDY
That's convenient, but how do we know when it's four o'clock on the nose?

ADRIEN
That is why I always keep fresh batteries in the portable radio.

ALANIS
I thought you kept fresh batteries in the portable radio in case of a tidal wave.

ADRIEN
No, that's why I have that case of water wings in the basement. I keep fresh batteries in the portable radio in case we need to find out when it's four o'clock while we're out in the yard.

GENERAL
It must be getting close to four now. Turn on the radio. I'll be ready to fire.

ANNOUNCER
...whenever news breaks out, we don't need to break in, because we're already broadcasting the news! This is all-news K-News, all day and all night from the big city of California. Time at the tone is exactly four o'clock. BEEEEP!

GENERAL
Now!

Sound FX: WHOOOOMP!

ALANIS
There it goes!

GENERAL
Godspeed, rocket.

[Silence...]

GENERAL
Well, I guess we're not going to know if we're successful or not for a while yet. I need to go back to the pizza restaurant. It's almost time for the early bird rush.

ALANIS
Bye, and thanks for bringing the rocket launcher!

GENERAL
Anytime.

BLINDY
I hear the telephone.

ADRIEN
Really? I don't.

BLINDY
But, you know, my powers of perception and all that.

ADRIEN
Oh, all right, I'll go and answer it.

ALANIS
Blindy, do you think it worked?

BLINDY
I'm sure it worked. What could possibly go wrong? The General knows how to handle a rocket launcher.

ALANIS
I'm sure he does, but when I think of the Complacents in that tiny little escape pod, alone and afraid...

BLINDY
Don't worry! I'm sure they're fine! Really!

ADRIEN
Blindy! Alanis! Come in here...quick!

ALANIS
What is it?

ADRIEN
Just hurry up and get in here!

ANNOUNCER
And now, traffic and weather together on K-News. In the K-News Trafficopter, here's Chuck Chuckson.

CHUCK
Uh, traffic is already starting to build on the freeways this afternoon. A two-mile backup coming into the Central Triangle on the 209 and the 153; construction on the clockwise Outer Belt has one lane blocked near the 798 off-ramp; a jackknifed truck on the shoulder causing gapers' delays on the eastbound 46 just past the 73 merge point; and...some kind of fireworks, or...OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING RIGHT AT...

ANNOUNCER
...We'll try to get back to Chuck in ten minutes. Turning a little cooler overnight tonight...

ADRIEN
I've got Agnew R. Durrows on hold, and he wants to talk to the Complacents!

ALANIS
So do you want me to be Gunnar again?

ADRIEN
No, especially since you were Fig before! But pretending to be the Complacents isn't going to fool the president of the record company like it fooled that reporter!

BLINDY
Why can't we just tell him the truth?

ADRIEN
The truth? The truth? "Sorry we can't do some publicity events in support of the new album, but we kind of got ourselves mixed up with this supervillain, but with the help of a group of superheroes, we defeated him, but while escaping from his hideout, the Complacents ended up orbiting the Earth!" Even if he believes that, which is highly unlikely, he'll probably drop the Complacents from the label for that!

BLINDY
But Fig's golden autoharp strings had been stolen...

ADRIEN
That's it! That's what I'll tell him. Uh, hello, Mr. Durrows, sir, sorry to keep you waiting...

AGNEW
Well? Let me talk to the Complacents! I've been on hold long enough!

ADRIEN
There's a little problem there. See, I thought the Complacents were here, but they're not. They're out...buying new autoharp strings.

AGNEW
It takes four people to buy new autoharp strings?

ADRIEN
There's a lot of strings on an autoharp. It takes a long time to put the new ones on. With the four of them working together, they can get them on in no time.

AGNEW
But so why do all four of them have to go buy the strings? Couldn't three of them just put the strings on when they get back?

ADRIEN
Uh...no, sir! Fig thinks that after the autoharp strings will go bad if they aren't put on the autoharp right away after they're taken out of the store's liquid nitrogen chamber.

AGNEW
They keep autoharp strings in liquid nitrogen?

ADRIEN
Yes, so they won't go out of tune.

AGNEW
I see. When do you think they'll be back?

ADRIEN
Probably about five-thirty or six.

AGNEW
No, that's no good. I have a dinner with the warning label people at five-thirty. I guess I'll just have to tell you what I was going to tell them.

ADRIEN
All right, I'm listening.

AGNEW
All the tracks for the new album sound great, but we still need another track to fill it up.

ADRIEN
Fill it up? It's already forty-nine minutes long!

AGNEW
Yes, I know, but we got our hands on a track listing for Tae Kwon Don't's forthcoming album...and it's fifty minutes long!

ADRIEN
That's more of an EP, isn't it?

AGNEW
Fifty! Fifty! Five-zero! Anyway, I will not be overdone by those bastards at Nine Inch Weewee Records. Flaming Highway needs to be a leader in albums... so we're moving up the release date a week! And I want it to be at least fifty minutes and one second long!

ADRIEN
Wait a minute, if you're moving up the release date a week...

AGNEW
Tell them I know they'll probably object, since they're serious artists and all that, but I need one more song. Just tell that Prune to throw something together real quick. I want to hear autoharp on it, since he and his buddies are all out getting new strings.

ADRIEN
But...but...

AGNEW
Well, if he doesn't want to do autoharp, I guess he doesn't have to do autoharp. But it needs to be something real quick, because I need it on my desk at 9 A.M. tomorrow!

ADRIEN
Uhhh...tomorrow tomorrow?

AGNEW
That's right, tomorrow! But it'll all be worth it when we're a week and at least one second ahead of Tae Kwon Don't! I'll talk to you tomorrow, Creamsicle...after I've listened to the song!

ADRIEN
We're doomed...we're doomed...we're doomed!

ALANIS
Why don't you talk to him?

BLINDY
It can't be that bad. I'm sure there are some extra songs lying around we can send over.

ADRIEN
I used them all already! The album was only thirty-six minutes long, but then I found out Agnew R. Durrows wanted it to be at least forty-eight! And when the Complacents get out of orbit, they're gonna be pretty annoyed at what's in the last thirteen minutes! Although that's if they get out of orbit, and after we get dropped from Flaming Highway! So they probably won't find out! Because the album won't ever come out! We're doomed!

ALANIS
But they will get out of orbit, isn't that right, Blindy?

BLINDY
That's right, and there must be some way we can fill at least a minute and one second.

ADRIEN
That's right. Got to think...think...think...

ALANIS
How about we just take a leftover piece of tape, play it backwards, and repeat it over and over again?

ADRIEN
Agnew R. Durrows would never fall for that one!

BLINDY
How about a live version of one of our hits?

ADRIEN
That would be a great idea...if we'd ever managed to get through a song at a live performance without our tape recorder breaking down, or somebody pressing "rewind" instead of "record," or a midget-tossing match breaking out!

ALANIS
Then I guess we'll just have to pretend to be the Complacents again, but this time, pretend to be musicians.

ADRIEN
You know...you know...that's so crazy, it just might work! Agnew R. Durrows said he wanted to hear autoharps, and what's easier to play than an autoharp? You just push the button for the chord you want, and strum across it, right?

BLINDY
I guess that's how it works.

ADRIEN
Yeah. Yeah. And we'll just get in the studio and strum around for a while until we figure out something good. Fig has three autoharps, doesn't he? His studio one, his touring one, and his practice one. We'll each take one of those...

BLINDY
His studio one is in his safe, though. It's the one with the golden strings on it.

ADRIEN
Well, get it out, then.

BLINDY
That's the problem. I don't know the combination.

ADRIEN
But you're the roadie! You're supposed to know the combination for when you need to get it out of the safe for him!

BLINDY
He doesn't trust anyone to touch it but him anymore. He doesn't want the golden strings to get stolen again.

ADRIEN
Awwww, why does this kind of thing have to happen? Oh, well, I guess we can make do with two autoharps. Wait, no we can't. We need to have the studio one in there, and mixed louder than the other two! Otherwise, it'll sound awful, Agnew R. Durrows'll think it sounds awful, and that'll be the end of the Complacents! Anyone have any dynamite?

BLINDY
We could probably figure out the combination of the safe.

ADRIEN
Yeah, you're right. Fig's not too bright. He probably didn't even change the combination from what the safe comes with. Blindy, dial up 10-20-30.

BLINDY
All right...hmmm, it didn't open.

ADRIEN
That's the dimmer knob for the lights! Never mind, I'll do it. 10...20...30. Hmmmm, it didn't open. I guess Fig's smarter than I thought.

BLINDY
He probably changed the combination, then, but he changed it to something really easy to remember, like 2-4-6.

ADRIEN
2...4...6...nope. Actually, I'll bet he tried to think this through, and realized if he changed it to something easy, someone might guess it, so he had to change it to something hard to remember. And knowing him, he probably picked the hardest safe combination in the world to remember. 32-9-47...Huh, that's still not it.

BLINDY
Maybe it's his birthday, or his mother's birthday, or his dog's birthday.

ADRIEN
Alanis, has Fig ever said something to you about the combination of this safe, or anything?

ALANIS
Actually, I saw him put the autoharp away in it once, and he closed the safe and said, "Good old Chester A. Arthur."

ADRIEN
Oh, great, now he's got a name for this safe!

BLINDY
No, maybe it's Chester A. Arthur's birthday.

ADRIEN
Who the Hilton and Towers is Chester A. Arthur?

BLINDY
I think he's one of those presidents everyone forgets about, like Benjamin Harrison, William Henry Harrison, and Jimmy Carter.

ADRIEN
Good, so I can look up what day he was born. Where's the almanac?

ALANIS
It's over there, next to the piano.

ADRIEN
1975? Oh, well, I guess his birthday hasn't changed since then...Here we go. "Chester A. Arthur, 21st president, Republican, was born on October 5th, 1830." 10-5-30! That's it, we've got it...we don't got it. Oh, no, what are we going to do? If only the General were still here with his rocket launcher. We could blow the safe open! Is it too late to get a safecracker over here?

ALANIS
He said something after he said "Good old Chester A. Arthur," by the way.

ADRIEN
And that was? ALANIS
Something like "Nobody will ever think to use your death date to figure out the combination."

ADRIEN
Why don't you hurry up and say these things that turn out to be incredibly important sooner? Let's see...Yeah, yeah, Union College, fugitive slave case, civil service reform, blah, blah, blah..."He died in New York City on November 18th, 1886." 11-18-86! Arrrrgh! Why couldn't you have waited another 14 years to die, you, you...accidental president! Just because some lunatic shot Garfield...

BLINDY
What's the matter?

ADRIEN
The safe dial only goes from zero to 60! In under seven seconds, I'm going to start crying!

BLINDY
Wait! Fig didn't come right out and say his death date was the combination, he just said you had to use it to figure out the combination. So let's see. Eleven. Eighteen. Eighty-six. If you turn them upside down...

ALANIS
Well, obviously, it's his death date minus his birth date.

ADRIEN
Obviously? All right, then, why don't you come over here and try it? 1-13-56 indeed.

ALANIS
Wow, look at how the inside walls of the safe reflect the strings!

ADRIEN
You got it open? You got it open! Now we can record that song! If only we actually had a song to record. Well, Blindy, you can take the practice autoharp. I'll take the road autoharp. And, Alanis, since you figured out the safe combination, you can play lead autoharp.

ALANIS
The one with the shiny gold strings?

ADRIEN
The one with the shiny gold strings. Uh, let me just start the tape rolling out here, and we can run into the studio and start messing around.

ALANIS
You know, I'm feeling kind of strange...

ADRIEN
Well, can it wait until we're done with the song?

ALANIS
No, not that kind of strange. The kind of strange where you're holding onto the most prized possession of someone else, and you can feel that person's spirit through the object you're holding, and it inspires you, and suddenly you feel like you understand that person a lot better. Do you know what I mean?

BLINDY
Yes...as a matter of fact, I'm getting that from this autoharp, although I guess it's nowhere near as strong as the effect you're getting from that autoharp.

ADRIEN
I'm getting it too, and I don't know if I want to know any more about Fig than I already do. But work with it! This is good! In fact, I feel a song coming on right now!

[The song "Sock Monkey" plays here...]

ADRIEN
Wow, what a...mediocre song! But at least it'll pass as a mediocre Complacents song, so we can tack it onto the end of the album. Did anyone check to see if it was at least a minute and one second long?

BLINDY
Oh, it was at least two minutes long.

ADRIEN
Agnew R. Durrows can't complain about that, then.

AGNEW
Did I hear my name?

ADRIEN
Wauuugh! How did you get in?

AGNEW
Your front door was open, Creamsicle, and I found this lying on the lawn. Almost as if someone had been listening to it, but then ran inside quickly and didn't get back out to pick it up and turn it off.

ADRIEN
My portable radio! It has a big grass stain on it!

AGNEW
Cut the chatter, Creamsicle. Where are the Complacents? Aren't they supposed to be back from buying those autoharp strings by now?

ADRIEN
They did come back, and they've already recorded the extra song for the album, so they left. But I thought you had a dinner to go to tonight.

AGNEW
It was cancelled. There's a huge traffic jam on all the freeways. The K-News trafficopter crashed right in the middle of the Harbor Interchange. Fortunately, I can take surface streets all the way home. So, if they're finished with the song, let me have the tape.

ADRIEN
I thought you said we had until 9 A.M. tomorrow!

AGNEW
The earlier the better. I can listen to it at home tonight.

ADRIEN
You don't want me to mix it down, or mix it up, or anything?

AGNEW
There's no time! We'll have to go with an unadulterated, honest performance. I'm sure all of those sensitive artists in the Complacents will love it.

ADRIEN
All right. I'll just rewind the tape. Wait a minute, the K-News trafficopter? Is Chuck Chuckson okay?

AGNEW
They were just talking to him on the radio...I'll flip it back on.

CHUCK
"It doesn't make any sense to have an ejection seat on a helicopter," they told me. But I guess I've proven them wrong.

ANNOUNCER
But what about the rotors?

CHUCK
That's why I built a timing device into the ejection seat.

ANNOUNCER
I see completely. K-News traffic reporter Chuck Chuckson, who narrowly escaped death when his helicopter crashed into the Harbor Interchange here in California this afternoon shortly after four o'clock. We'll be back with traffic and...no, just weather, after this.

AGNEW
Well, I gotta run. I live all the way across the city, you know. Thanks for the tape. This album is gonna be big, big, big!

ADRIEN
All right. Bye-bye, Mr. Durrows.

ALANIS
Wow, no studio trickery?

ADRIEN
I don't think we'll sound much like the Complacents without the studio trickery I was going to use on that song. If the Complacents get back here before 9 A.M. tomorrow, we can record a new song, take it over to Agnew R. Durrows, and tell him they changed their minds and want to use that song instead.

BLINDY
Shouldn't they have landed somewhere by now?

ADRIEN
Yeah, but they might be in the middle of the ocean, so it'll take them a while to get back here.

BLINDY
Shouldn't we alert the Coast Guard?

ALANIS
No, what about the Middle-of-the-Ocean Guard?

ANNOUNCER
But of course we'll have to wait until next week to see who gets alerted and who doesn't. You're listening to the Complacents on WNUR.