Blindy, Roadie Without Fear (Part 1)

by Aaron Odland

Originally aired on The Complacents January 13, 1996

FIG
Gunnar, have you seen Blindy?

GUNNAR
Not for a while. Why?

FIG
Well, Adrian told me to be extra careful with the gold plated strings for my autoharp so I went into a meditative trance to hide the extra ones. That way if I was to be interrogated there's no way they would ever find them. Anyhow, I broke a string and sent Blindy to try and find one of my spare ones.

GUNNAR
How long ago was that?

FIG
Just a couple of hours ago, or was that yesterday?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Down in the basement of the studio...

BLINDY
Boy, it's a good thing that the stairs weren't structuraly sound and I fell through the rotten wood, or else I never would have found this secret room. Most of it seems pretty empty...some clothing ...some city of California scratch and sniff stickers. Fig's from the city of California too...it looks like he's been here. There's an old tool box in the corner with some strings in it...sunflower seeds...OW! razor blades. There are a couple of sets of strings. They feel like autoharp strings to me. But are they gold?

MR. ANNOUNCER
One water displacency test later...

BLINDY
One of these strings is gold, but where did the rest of them go? Hmm... and part of the floor is wet too! Wait, that's just some of my own blood. I better tear a strip of cloth and wrap it around my face to stop that bleeding gash I got from falling on my head. I'll just use part of this curtain hanging decoratively on the wall. That's better, and it seems that the wall hanging was really covering a hole to what sounds like an enigmatic maze of tunnels that could stretch for miles. One way to find out...

MR. ANNOUNCER
Elsewhere underground...

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Bizarro Monkey Boy hungry! Me think we should rob restaurant now.

BLITZKRIEG MAN
We now hurry back quickly with the things that we have quickly taken so that our quickness will meet with reward.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
But Bizarro Monkey Boy hungry!

BLITZKRIEG MAN
You are not listening to the words that I have spoke. Now is not the time for food. Resistance will prove futile for those who try to resist. The oneness of the whole requires this. Self sacrifice is key.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
But Bizarro Monkey Boy must pay homage to succulent fast food as portrayed by slick television commercials as seen in prison.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Some time later, after a good deal of walking we find Blindy has at last come to what seems to be the end of the potentially underground maze only to find an unlocked door.

BLINDY
So this is where Fig disappears to...except those times when he disappears and he was really just trapped inside the soundproof studio. The whirring sound beyond the door is faint but it sounds like the familiar tone of a slurpy machine churning all of its icy goodness. I bet some ice would help this concussion and painful throbbing I'm experiencing...and that odd gnawing feeling at my ankles.

MR. ANNOUNCER
On the other side of the door.

CRIMINAL
Gimme the porn!

CLERK
What?

CRIMINAL
I said gimme the porn, and I've got a gun so I suggest you hand it over!

CLERK
All of it?

CRIMINAL
One copy of each of those behind the counter magazines and be snappy! Stay calm! Stay calm!

CLERK
OK! I am. I am.

CRIMINAL
I wasn't talking to you! You think I'm not nervous...like...like I do this everyday or something? No, no, no. I would happily buy the porn if I could, but that's just not an option. Ever since the syndicated success of Baywatch, the price of these magazines has skyrocketed due to increased salary demands from the now star-stricken models. What about me? What about the little guy who isn't quite as beefed up as David Hasselhoff and just struggles by on good old fashioned porn? I become a societal deviant.

CLERK
That's fine and all...just don't shoot me or anything...

CRIMINAL
Just give me the magazines and....hey that door marked "Danger! Haunted Catacombs" is opening!

MR. ANNOUNCER
All characters roll 1d10 for surprise. Blindy has surprised the two in the convenience store. The rats gnawing at Blindy's ankles have surprised him. He charges into the store screaming.

BLINDY
Mongers of disease! Be gone from me!

MR. ANNOUNCER
In a confused flash Blindy has smashed into the gun wielding criminal and knocked him to the floor. A Twinkie laden shelf crashes down on the prone man and finishes the job.

BLINDY
I don't care much for rats. Do you have some ice?

CLERK
Who are you, masked man?

BLINDY
Blindy. Blindy the Roadie.

CLERK
Man, take some free ice. Thanks.

BLINDY
You haven't seen any golden autoharp strings have you?

CLERK
Only once, but they were fool's gold.

BLINDY
Well thanks for the ice. Sorry about the shelf. Bye for now.

CLERK
Man, my life is boring. If only I could be like him. Like Blindy, The Roadie without Fear.

MR. ANNOUNCER
And so the adventure begins.