Blindy, Roadie Without Fear (Part 3)

by Aaron Odland

Originally aired on The Complacents January 27, 1996

MUSIC fades up as Mr. Announcer's voice trails off.

BLINDY
(whispering) My childhood...

FATHER
Come on, little slugger! It's time for the game!

YOUNG BLINDY
But I don't wanna play.

FATHER
Now listen son. Don't worry about the game. Win or lose, your mother and I still love you, don't we, dear?

MOTHER
Just like we love all of God's creatures.

YOUNG BLINDY
It's not that. It's just that every time I play the ball ends up hitting...

FATHER
Ahh! We need to get going, buckaroo, or you'll be late!

MOTHER
Remember the Lord and he'll help you hit that ball! Bye now!

(At the Little League baseball park...)

GENERAL
OK, kids! Remember that we're out here today for a purpose, and that purpose is to defeat the enemy through any means! Blindy, you're up to bat son! If you don't hit that ball you'll be doing pushups 'til you're twenty.

YOUNG BLINDY
Listen, coach, you could get someone else to bat for me if you want...

GENERAL
That's Coach General Sir! Don't forget again, son!

YOUNG BLINDY
Yes, sir!

GENERAL
And you're going to get out there and bat! No youngster under my baseball command is going to shirk their responsibility. And remember, take the bat with you while you're running and don't let that first baseman get in your way!

YOUNG BLINDY
Yes, Coach General Sir!

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER
Now at bat...number 9, Blindy Salva for Quonset Hut.

FATHER
That's my son out there! He's really a slugger!

MOTHER
And he has the power of the Lord in him.

SPECTATOR
Should he be standing that close to the plate?

Sound FX: A loud THUMP sound as the ball hits Blindy.

SPECTATOR
Wow, that ball slamming against his head must have hurt.

FATHER
Aw, it happens all the time. He's a tough one...not afraid of anything. It's from all that playing with the neighbor's six Doberman pinschers when he was three.

MOTHER
Little Blindy would crawl back home at night when the dogs had fallen asleep and I'd wash off the scrapes and bite marks. He'd be all tuckered out but I made sure he said his prayers before going to sleep.

Sound FX: Another loud THUMP as the ball hits Young Blindy again.

SPECTATOR
Hey, I thought the batter got to walk if they got hit by the pitcher, and that's the second time.

FATHER
That's true for major league ball but not Little League. Kids will be kids, you know.

Sound FX: A third THUMP as the ball strikes Blindy yet again.

FATHER
Hmmm...that was a fine pitch. Blindy doesn't get knocked out by just any flying baseball.

MOTHER
The Lord works in mysterious ways. I guess he wasn't up for baseball today.

SPECTATOR
It looks as if he injured himself falling down the manhole...

MUSIC fades down as we exit the flashback.

BLITZKRIEG MAN
It looks as if he injured himself falling down the manhole...

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Bizarro Monkey Boy smells sugary Twinkie on him. Delight of golden cake and artificial cream filling haunts Bizarro Monkey Boy.

BLITZKRIEG MAN
It is obvious that this scarlet-masked fool was following us. What shall we do with him?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, back at the convenience store.

CLERK
Thanks for watching the register while I was out smoking.

AGENT
Yes, well, I was just taking some notes on the crime scene. Upon examining all of the clues I think that we might actually be dealing with some paranormal forces here.

CLERK
Where'd you get that from?

AGENT
I started off on the wrong path but I then noticed the door marked "Danger! Haunted Catacombs!"

CLERK
Yeah, that's the door where the Blindy guy charged in from with all the rats.

AGENT
Another detail that supports the paranormal is the flood of rats that accompanied the scarlet-masked individual. Think of the middle-ages and the connection of rats and the plague to vampires.

CLERK
This is getting pretty weird...hey, wait a second. What's that say on your badge there?

AGENT
Oh! It's nothing...really, nothing at all.

CLERK
"Honorary 'X-Files' FBI Agent" and hey, it's made out of plastic!

AGENT
Well, budget cuts and all...

CLERK
You're not a real agent at all, are you?

AGENT
Umm...well...not exactly...

CLERK
I bet you were just in town for that convention!

AGENT
They said Mulder would be there!

CLERK
Just get out of store! Man, this job shouldn't be this strange. I'm calling the real police.

AGENT
Fine, I'll leave, but just remember...the truth is out there.

CLERK
Freak!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Back underground, Blindy is stirring to consciousness...only to find himself in the presence of two strangers.

BLINDY
Baseballs....hitting me in the head...

BLITZKRIEG MAN
We must take him with us now so he will present no trouble in the future like pesky American Allies entering the war. He is weak like an easily conquerable France and we must exploit this weakness. Tie him up, Bizarro Monkey Boy.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Me like tying things up. It reminds Bizarro Monkey Boy of his carefree days as a dysfunctional Boy Scout.

BLINDY
Baseballs...baseballs pounding on my head...

BLITZKRIEG MAN
Answer his request to a pounding on a head too so we will not have to hear his cryptic ramblings.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Blindy kidnapped? Will he find the golden strings? Only time will tell...