Boot Complacents (Part 3)

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on The Complacents November 11, 1995

Author's Note: Complacents scripts were generally written by two or three different people, each one working on one act. This worked surprisingly well.

FIG
Psssst...

JOHNNY
(sleepy) Hmmm?

FIG
Hey, Johnny, are you awake?

JOHNNY
Of course I'm awake, you've been kicking the bottom of my bed for five minutes. And I'm on the bottom bunk, too. What are you doing on the floor?

FIG
It's softer than my bed. Johnny, what did the General mean, this would be a full-fledged boot camp?

JOHNNY
I don't know. He'll probably make us do a few jumping jacks, then get bored and drive us back to Quonset Hut Pizza, where we'll get paid good money to do two shows a night.

FIG
But why did I have to get my hair cut?

JOHNNY
You didn't have to! You were the one who pulled over on the way here to ask that rancher to demonstrate the sheep shears.

FIG
Then why are we sleeping in army bunk beds in this barracks?

JOHNNY
This isn't an army camp, this is a summer camp!

FIG
Summer camps are still around in the winter? Maybe we'll get to make wallets.

GUNNAR
(sleepy) Will you two shut up over there? I'm trying to sleep over here.

FIG
Oh, yeah, and I was trying to sleep under here. Good night, Gunnar.

GUNNAR
Good night, Fig.

FIG
Good night, Johnny Angelo.

JOHNNY
Good night, Fig.

FIG
Good night, Fred.

FRED
(snores)

FIG
Good night, Mr. Creamsicle.

JOHNNY
He's not here, he's at the hospital having his head reattached to his body.

FIG
Good night, insect crawling across my face.

GENERAL
Good morning, maggots!

FIG
No, I think it's an earwig. (THUD) Ow, I forgot I was underneath Johnny's bed!

GUNNAR
Good morning? We just went to bed!

GENERAL
It's four-fifty-five. Whichever one of you plays the bugle had better go up to the tower and play reveille at exactly oh-five-hundred!

JOHNNY
Who would we be waking up, exactly?

GENERAL
This entire camp! The mess hall opens at precisely five-oh-two, and morning exercises start at exactly five-sixteen.

(Silence)

FIG
I've got a feeling that the members of the Complacents just exchanged puzzled glances, even though there's no light in here.

GUNNAR
Aren't we the only people in this camp?

GENERAL
That's right, and I want to make sure you all are up!

FRED
We are all up. You woke me up by standing on my leg.

GENERAL
Sorry about that, private. I thought this was the little stool thing I usually stand on. Anyway, get out of bed, you lazy soldiers! There's good eating in the mess hall!

GUNNAR
Assuming we can find the mess hall in the pitch black.

GENERAL
Just follow your nose.

FIG
It always knows!

GENERAL
What was that? Drop and give me ten, private!

FIG
What for?

GENERAL
A toucan killed my grandfather during the Big One!

JOHNNY
World War One?

GENERAL
No, the War of 1812. I'm waiting, private!

FIG
(quickly) One two three four five six seven eight nine ten!

GENERAL
That's some mighty fast pushing up, private. I'll see you all in two minutes in the mess hall.

JOHNNY
You can't say anything around that guy, can you?

GUNNAR
No, if we want to survive the day, we'd better keep our mouths shut.

FIG
I showed him, though. I knew he couldn't see me, so I only did eight.

JOHNNY
Just how close did your head get shorn, Fig?

ANNOUNCER
Five minutes later...

GENERAL
At ease, men. You're in for a real treat.

GUNNAR
Good, I'm starved.

JOHNNY
At least the sun has risen a little bit, so we can see in here. What happened to the electricity?

GENERAL
Wartime economy measure. Now, men, get ready for something special. The General's extra special...

THE COMPLACENTS
Breakfast pizza?!

GENERAL
I'm thinking of calling it "Pie a la Morning." This is going to be the next big thing at Quonset Hut Pizza.

GUNNAR
What's on it?

JOHNNY
Looks like scrambled eggs...

FIG
Pancakes...

FRED
Sausage...

JOHNNY
Cantaloupe...

FIG
Canadian bacon...

FRED
and Rice Krispies...

GUNNAR
...and syrup?

GENERAL
Maple, strawberry, or blueberry. The Kaiser will be shaking in his steel-toed boots when he sees this!

FIG
I'm shaking right now.

FRED
May I be excused?

GENERAL
You may all be excused...

JOHNNY
Good.

GENERAL
...to go out to the obstacle course! We've got to get a move on!

GUNNAR
Why? Is there somewhere we have to be?

GENERAL
No, but we have to get more done before oh-nine-hundred than civilians do all day.

GUNNAR
So all we'll be doing is taking eight coffee breaks?

GENERAL
Oh, no, private. You'll be running the obstacle course. Over and over again. Here's the first obstacle. You'll have to climb to the top of that platform, grab that rope and swing over the pond to the other side.

FIG
That pond looks slushy.

GUNNAR
We don't really need to climb to the top of the platform so much as we need to step up on it.

JOHNNY
It looks like little kids use this camp.

GENERAL
Little kids who grow up in six weeks to become Army men! Private, go up there and show me what you're made of!

FIG
Can't you just cut me open and look for yourself?

GENERAL
Private...

FIG
Okay, okay. Here goes nothing... [Does Tarzan yell]

GENERAL
Good job, private.

FIG
That's not a pond, it's a wading pool. I scraped my feet on the bottom.

GENERAL
Why don't we come back to this one. Your next obstacle is right over here. You'll need to crawl under that razor wire. Anyone volunteer to go first?

GUNNAR
Why don't we all go? All we need to do is kind of limbo underneath this five-foot-high clothesline.

FIG
Ow. I got hit in the eye with a clothespin.

GENERAL
Well, men, since you're all doing so well, why don't you all try the next obstacle? Right over that hill are some tires. Run through them. I'll be waiting here for you.

JOHNNY
Woo-hoo! Let's go, Complacents!

GENERAL
(singing to self) Over hill, over dale, we will hit the dusty trail...

GENERAL
(singing to self) ...and the home of the brave.
Where are those guys? I've been through the army song book five times. I'll bet they've gone AWOL. Where's the MP's office? I'll bet they're sleeping on the obstacle course. All right, privates, wake up and...Men! Stop running through the tires! That's an order!

GUNNAR
(out of breath) That is a huge amount of tires to have to run through.

THE COMPLACENTS
(all breathe heavily)

GENERAL
At ease, men. I had no idea this was being used as an illegal dump site.

JOHNNY
(out of breath) At least they weren't on fire.

GENERAL
Well, anyway, it's thirteen hundred hours! Time for midday mess.

FIG
I'm already a mess.

GENERAL
And this afternoon, I've got a real treat for you.

GUNNAR
Not again!

GENERAL
Delicious Quonset Hut pepperoni pizza.

COMPLACENTS
All right!

GENERAL
And I'll be enjoying a pizza with mushrooms and extra cheese.

FRED
You don't eat pepperoni pizza, sir?

GENERAL
I don't eat any meat, my boy. When you've seen a man's leg shredded to near-unrecognizability by a piece of shrapnel, you start thinking about all those tendons and ligaments being the only things holding his foot on, and you go to wipe away some sweat from your eye and there's a big piece of muscle on your forehead, and even an old soldier gets weak in the knees. Dig in.

FIG
Mr. General! Don't eat that pizza!

GENERAL
What are you doing? Give that back!

FIG
Whoops! I didn't mean to do that...

Sound FX:Explosion

KAISER
Heh, heh, heh. Now to see the carnage...Gott in Himmel! Vas ist Das? You...you are not dead!

GENERAL
That's right, Kaiser Schustoffle! Thanks to these quick-thinking soldiers here throwing it out the window...

KAISER
Soldiers? Do not make me laugh!

GUNNAR
That's right, we're soldiers! We completed a good portion of the obstacle course this morning!

GENERAL
Quiet, private! This is between the Kaiser and me! That pizza had my name on it.

JOHNNY
No, actually, the box said, "It's Fresh and Oven Hot."

GENERAL
Now, then, Schustoffle. Hand-to-hand combat. Right here. Let's go.

KAISER
I am not actually prepared to fight. I was just going to wait until you had been killed by the pizza, then go back to town and demolish your quonset hut to put in another parking lot for Vas Ist Das Pizza.

GUNNAR
Why don't you just tell your customers they can park in the Quonset Hut Pizza lot? It's not like anyone's ever using it.

GENERAL
You'd demolish my pizza restaurant for...a parking lot? That does it!

EXCITING FIGHT MUSIC ENSUES

EVERYONE
Oof!...Ow!...Thud...(etc.)

KAISER
Where's my pointy spike hat?...Oof!...I think I...just found out!

FRED
That's gotta hurt.

GUNNAR
He fell on his hat!

GENERAL
Men, I don't know what to say. But here's a start. I'm going to treat you to pizza...

JOHNNY
Again?

GENERAL
Back at Quonset Hut Pizza! Everyone into the jeep!

COMPLACENTS
All right!

BACKGROUND JUKEBOX MUSIC ENSUES

JOHNNY
But there's one thing I just don't understand, Fig. How did you know the General's mushroom pizza was about to explode?

FIG
I didn't! I thought I saw a tiny piece of sausage, and I wanted to be nice and pick it off for him, but I accidentally threw it out the window.

GUNNAR
Isn't this place nice? It's much bigger than the quonset hut.

FRED
Look, the General's up on stage.

GENERAL
Turn the jukebox off there, Private Pimples, would you? I have some announcements to make. First of all, I'd like to welcome you all to the temporary home of Quonset Hut Pizza. They should be done cleaning it by next week, and we'll move back there and tear down this place for a parking lot. But until then, I'd like to thank the dearly departed Kaiser for allowing us to use his pizza restaurant.

Sound FX:Applause

GENERAL
There are four soldiers who I need to thank for...well, I owe them my life. Let's bring them up here. You know them as...the Complacents!

Sound FX: Applause

GENERAL
Private Angelo...Private James...Private whatever-the-heck-you-other-two's- last-names-are...for service above and beyond the call of duty, for selfless acts of bravery, I hereby promote you all to Brigadier Generals of the United States Army.

Sound FX: Applause

JOHNNY
(quietly) Wait a minute...this guy was a general in our army?

GUNNAR
(quietly) Yeah, and we still won the war.

GENERAL
And special recognition needs to go to one of these men. Brigadier General Fig, for taking action to save the life of your commanding officer without thinking of the danger to yourself, I hereby award you with the John J. Pershing Distinguished Service Medal.

FIG
This looks like a spoon.

GENERAL
I couldn't find mine. You know, the only reason you're brigadier generals is because I had four silver stars, so you each could have one.

FIG
So if you'd had a bunch of bell-bottomed trousers lying around, we could be rear admirals?

GENERAL
Not only are they army officers, they've agreed to be the house band here at Quonset Hut Pizza. And at only GS-8 level pay! So without further saluting, here are...the Complacents!

Sound FX: Applause

The Complacents play"Length of Chain."

Sound FX: Applause

FIG
Look who just walked in! It's Mr. Creamsicle! His head is back on!

ADRIEN
Fig! Johnny! Gunnar! Fred! I'm proud of you! Look at the evening paper!

JOHNNY
"Restaurant Owner Assassination Plot Foiled"!

GUNNAR
"The Complacents hailed as American heroes"!

FRED
"Massive loss of life narrowly averted by group's quick thinking"!

FIG
"Coming January 1st: Classic Calvin and Hobbes"!

ADRIEN
No, I didn't want you to look at the front page! Turn to the entertainment section, page five!

JOHNNY
Fox is cancelling "Complacency's Best"?

ADRIEN
That's right! We did it! We got Tae Kwon Don't off the air! Soon, they'll be out of the public consciousness completely! Oh, yeah, and your little escapade probably won't hurt things, either. This is the best day of my life. Nothing can go wrong now!

FIG
Say, why do you still have your chicken suit on?

ADRIEN
Oh, I was going to take it off, but I just had to rush over here and tell you the good news. Someone want to unzip me in the back there?

GUNNAR
I'll get it, Mr. Greenjeans.

ADRIEN
Aah, that's better. It was really hot inside that thing, and the feathers itched something terrible...Johnny? Fred? Fig? Why are you staring at me like that with your mouth open?

FIG
Mr. Creamsicle, you're hot!

ADRIEN
What does that mean, Fig? Please don't tell me what I think it means. I'm going to slowly lower my head and look down at my body and...OH, MY EVERLASTING GOBSTOPPER! They put my head on the wrong body! You'd think they could tell a man from a woman! How could they put a cock head on a hen body?!

GUNNAR
(after a pause) Actually, if you look down at that area...

MR. CREAMSICLE
Oh, you know what I meant!

JOHNNY
If it's any consolation, I find myself quite attracted to you.