A Complacents Carol

The Christmas Episode of The Complacents

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on The Complacents December 2, 1995

Author's Note: I tried to get as many perennial Christmas favorites in this episode as I could, from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (the Seussian dialogue between Agnew R. Durrows and the Ghost of Christmas Present) to It's a Wonderful Life to "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (the "Read More About It" segment at the end).

ANNOUNCER
And now, we invite your whole family to enjoy the classic Christmas tale "A Complacents Carol."

ADRIEN
Well, you see, Doc, it all started a few weeks ago when I was dressed up as a chicken...

DOCTOR
Just cut to the chase, Mr. Creamsicle, I DO have other patients.

ADRIEN
That's just it, I was chased all over the pizza restaurant until the chef caught me, and he cut my head off! The next thing I knew, I was dripping blood and involuntary fecal matter all over the place.

DOCTOR
That's disgusting.

ADRIEN
Disgusting? Aren't you a doctor?

DOCTOR
I may have to look at blood and fecal matter every once in a while, but that doesn't mean I don't find it disgusting. Vomit and pus are pretty disgusting, too.

ADRIEN
Yeah, speaking of which, I've been feeling kind of nauseated recently. Especially in the morning. But anyway, I passed out eventually, and then I woke up in the hospital, and they'd sewed my head onto a woman's body!

DOCTOR
And so you're feeling nauseated in the morning? Hmmm...how do you feel about pickles?

ADRIEN
Smart moms know how kids' minds grow! You got any?

DOCTOR
Uh, no, not here.

ADRIEN
It's not a big deal. I'll stop at the supermarket on the way home. I've been having a craving for ice cream, too.

DOCTOR
Have you skipped a period?

ADRIEN
I don't know. I was kind of hoping I'd skip all of them, to tell the truth.

DOCTOR
Have you had any, though, since the incident?

ADRIEN
No.

DOCTOR
Well, congratulations, Mr. Creamsicle, you're pregnant.

ADRIEN
Pregnant?

DOCTOR
I'll refer you to an O.B.-G.Y.N. who'll do ultrasound and amniocentesis.

ADRIEN
An O.B.-G.Y.N.? What the hectometer is that?

DOCTOR
A doctor who works as an obstetrician and a gynecologist.

ADRIEN
But I don't get it. How could I be pregnant?

DOCTOR
Didn't your father ever have that talk with you?

ADRIEN
No, my mother did, but that's not important right now. Since I got my female body, I haven't, you know, done it with anyone...except myself.

DOCTOR
Well, I'm no expert in this sort of thing, but I'd say you're definitely both the father and the mother of this baby. Do you mind if I take some pictures for Newsweek?

ADRIEN
You mean the Weekly World News! I don't want to be turned into some kind of freak!

DOCTOR
I'd say you're pretty far along in the transformation process already.

ADRIEN
Can't we do something to find the woman who's walking around with my body and switch the heads back? That way she can be pregnant and I can get on with my normal life.

DOCTOR
We can't do anything until whoever has your body decides to come forward. We probably wouldn't switch the bodies back until after you had the baby, anyway. It might be too traumatic for the little one.

ADRIEN
Too traumatic for the little one? What if I had the baby...you know...

DOCTOR
Are you crazy? I don't want this office firebombed!

ADRIEN
This office would be firebombed if you put the baby on a life support system during the operation?

DOCTOR
Look, I'm going to refer you to a specialist. My nurse will make an appointment for you.

ADRIEN
(sighs) All right. Thanks, Doc.

(Christmas music up and fade)

JOHNNY
Ha, ha, ha. That wacky Goofus. When will he ever learn?

ADRIEN
Okay, Johnny, I'm ready to go.

JOHNNY
What happened?

ADRIEN
You were right. I've got an appointment to see another doctor on the 27th.

JOHNNY
I told you there's no such thing as a false positive thirty-nine times in a row. So are we going to go Christmas shopping now?

ADRIEN
No, I have to go ask Agnew R. Durrows, the president of Flaming Highway Records, for the afternoon of the 27th off so I can go to that appointment.

JOHNNY
Can't you just call him from the mall?

ADRIEN
No, then he'll be even more upset. He's already mad that I had to take THIS afternoon off for this appointment.

JOHNNY
But I don't get it. Isn't your job managing the Complacents and producing all our albums?

ADRIEN
No, that's the job I was forced into by you guys! I'm really the management director and the director of A&R.

JOHNNY
You're both of those things? No wonder you're so tired at night.

ADRIEN
I only used to be in charge of management, but then the co-founder of Flaming Highway Records died, and I took over his responsibilities, too.

JOHNNY
Really.

ADRIEN
Yeah. So why don't you walk home while I drive over to the Flaming Highway offices.

(Christmas music up and fade)

AGNEW
What do you mean, he's gone home for Christmas already? It's only four-thirty! I suppose he won't be back until Tuesday, then? He's taking the week off? Billboard magazine doesn't take the week off! They print their charts every week! Yeah, well, I'll have a few things to say to him Monday after next! Geez, he's taking another day off? Is he ever going to produce another album? Fine, fine, I'll talk to him on January 2nd, and he better be there. And what do you want?

ADRIEN
Well, sir, I was just wondering if I could take the afternoon off next Wednesday.

AGNEW
Oh, one afternoon off isn't good enough for you, Creamsicle? You want to take yet another afternoon off?

ADRIEN
Uh, yes, I would.

AGNEW
You do realize this is the busiest time of the year for Flaming Highway Records.

ADRIEN
Yes...

AGNEW
Thousands of kids with Musicland and Sam Goody gift certificates under the tree, pleading with their parents to take them to Town Center Plaza. And what they decide to buy with those pieces of paper is a significant percentage of our profit for the year!

ADRIEN
Well, the CD's and cassettes are pretty much in the stores already by the day after Christmas, so you really don't need me at that point...

AGNEW
Oh, I need you, all right. I need you to handle reorders from the distributors! I need you to keep an eye on the sales figures and figure out who needs to tour, who needs to put out a greatest-hits package, who needs to put out a box set, and who needs to be dropped from the label!

ADRIEN
I can come in another day, if there's a major problem. I was planning to do some recording with the Complacents on the 28th, but we can push that back. I just have to have the afternoon of the 27th off because I have a doctor's appointment.

AGNEW
Another doctor's appointment? What are you trying to do, Creamsicle, find one who'll claim you're eligible for disability payments?

ADRIEN
No sir! That's not it! It's just that a woman's health is extremely important, so I need to see a gynecologist.

AGNEW
Well, let me see the little card they give you showing when the appointment is. I have to check to make sure you really had one.

ADRIEN
Oh, I definitely do, Mr. Durrows.

AGNEW
Come on, Creamsicle, let me see it!

ADRIEN
Okay, here you go...

AGNEW
Hand it to me.

ADRIEN
I'd rather not.

AGNEW
Then take your thumb off it. All I can see is "Wednesday 1:30 P.M."

ADRIEN
That's really all you need to see, isn't it?

AGNEW
Give me the card! (grunts) This isn't a gynecologist, this is an obstetrician AND a gynecologist!

ADRIEN
Yeah, he's really branching out.

AGNEW
Creamsicle! Did you get yourself pregnant?

ADRIEN
Aaah! No!...well, actually, I did get myself pregnant. I definitely haven't been sleeping around, if that's what you mean. I haven't even been sleeping.

AGNEW
How could someone who works for me get pregnant?

ADRIEN
Well, see, sir, when someone who works for you loves someone of the opposite sex very, very much...

AGNEW
Shut up, Creamsicle! I warned you, didn't I? I said you could continue to work in this freakish condition, and I was very nice about it! But the minute you slipped up, you were outta here! The last thing I need is a billion camera crews showing up to take pictures of the freak and put him or her all over the news! There is such a thing as bad publicity, and that's it! You're fired!

ADRIEN
F-f-f-f-fired? But what about the Complacents?

AGNEW
I don't know yet. Seeing as how they're among our worst-selling artists, I'll either send them on an extended tour...or drop them from the label!

ADRIEN
You can't do that to the kids! They'll be crushed!

AGNEW
So will you if you don't get out of this building in two minutes! I'm counting! Two... [long pause] Get going, Creamsicle, I'm counting by minutes!

ADRIEN
Wauuuugh!

(Christmas music up and fade)

GUNNAR
So that's it? Years of faithful service to that record company, and they treat you like that?

JOHNNY
Let's go barge into Agnew R. Durrows's office and demand he take you back!

ADRIEN
It's too late. By now, he's probably in his 60th-story condominium, looking down on all the record consumers in this town.

FRED
I'm pretty sure it's illegal for him to fire you for getting pregnant. I'll call the E.E.O.C. to make sure.

Sound FX: Dialing, phone rings...

OPERATOR
Thank you for calling the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Due to the holiday, our office is closed. We will return on Tuesday, December 26th, at 9 A.M. Until then, have a pleasant holiday.

FRED
Well, never mind. I'd see if I could find some information on the Net, but they repossessed the computer.

JOHNNY
Yeah, I don't understand how they can repossess all our instruments and studio equipment like that.

ADRIEN
I still owe Flaming Highway Records a lot of money, and now they can't put liens on my paycheck anymore.

FIG
But my autoharp didn't belong to you, it belonged to me!

ADRIEN
Did you read your contract? Every item used in the production of a Flaming Highway Records album belongs to Flaming Highway Records.

FIG
Including my soul?

GUNNAR
That Agnew R. Durrows really makes me mad! If only something would happen that would show him the error of his ways!

ADRIEN
He usually means well. But something that shows him the error of his ways, I don't know. It would almost have to be something supernatural.

(Christmas music up and fade)

AGNEW
Geez, it's 5:40 already. I should be in my 60th-floor condominium, but with that Creamsicle taking the afternoon off and getting pregnant... let's see, how well is the "Santa Skas" compilation selling in Ohio? That's it? (yells) Dolores, get me the Ohio distributors on conference call!...Oh, she went home already. I guess I'll have to look them up myself. Let's see...Ohio. Cleveland and...Dayton? There's a distributor in Dayton? What's there to distribute in Dayton?

CHARLES
It's in a good location, between Cincinnati and Columbus, and it's a fairly big metropolitan area in its own right.

AGNEW
Thanks for clearing that up, Chuck. "Thanks for clearing that up, Chuck"? Upchuck? Chuck? Holy cow, I've been working here so long, I'm hearing things.

CHARLES
Charles, not Chuck. You know that, Aggie. Look up from your desk, would you?

AGNEW
Agnew, not Aggie. Arrrgh! I'm losing my mind! What right do you have coming in my office and looking exactly like the late Charles Burroughs, co-founder of Flaming Highway Records?

CHARLES
Because I AM the late Charles Burroughs, co-founder of Flaming Highway Records.

AGNEW
Go away!

CHARLES
Make me.

AGNEW
Okay, I will. I'll just pick you up and throw you out! Ooof!

CHARLES
See, it's hard, isn't it? Since I'm in ethereal form, it's hard to get a grip on me.

AGNEW
Oh, I got a grip on you all right, it's just that you're weighted down with chains attached to old Rock-Ola jukeboxes. Any good tunes in there?

CHARLES
Are you kidding?

AGNEW
I'll just punch C-7, and...

("Y.M.C.A." begins playing)

AGNEW
Hey, the Village People!

CHARLES
This was a best-seller, as I recall.

AGNEW
Yeah, everyone had a copy of this.

CHARLES
And it could have been on Flaming Highway Records! If only I hadn't refused to sign them unless they got rid of the costumes.

AGNEW
Yeah, what did you say to them?

CHARLES
I think it was something like "There's only room for one costumed band in music, and it's KISS. And they'll be gone in six months, anyway. They're certainly not going to be having KISS conventions in twenty years."

AGNEW
Well, I guess you were proven wrong on that one. But seriously, take those chains off, and we'll go out to dinner or something.

CHARLES
That's just it! I can't take these chains off! I'm doomed to drag these jukeboxes around, filled with all the memories of my bad musical decisions, for eternity!

AGNEW
What? There's no commandment against a record company making bad decisions!

CHARLES
But the kind of things we did, against the overwhelming evidence that proved otherwise. I mean, look at the Flaming Highway lineup these days! I'll bet you don't even have any bands that play the hot instruments of the day!

AGNEW
Sure we do! We have plenty of harmonica players!

CHARLES
Harmonica? You have bands that play the harmonica? Well, hope you like hearing their music for all of eternity. The hot instruments these days are the accordion and, especially, the autoharp!

AGNEW
The autoharp? The autoharp? There's no way that's the hot instrument! We have a group that has an autoharp player, and their albums aren't selling!

CHARLES
Aren't selling? But what about...wait a second, is this 1996?

AGNEW
Not for another few days.

CHARLES
Whatever you do, hold onto your autoharp band.

AGNEW
You're kidding! Listen, let me tell you all the problems they've caused. First of all, their manager also has your old position as A&R director, but he's way too busy managing them, so I have to do most of his work! And I don't quite understand how it happened, but he showed up one day with his same head, but with a woman's body, and now he's pregnant! And the FBI keeps breathing down my neck about some dead German guy that I don't quite understand, and all I remember about my last business lunch with their manager is that my butt ached for three days after it!

CHARLES
Listen to me. Problems like those are what rock 'n' roll is all about. If there's no scandal, it's just a flickering candle. Or something like that.

AGNEW
Forget it. You can't tell me how to run this record company from beyond the grave. I'm dropping them from Flaming Highway Records first thing in the morning.

CHARLES
On the Saturday before Christmas? You've changed, Agnew R. Durrows. I remember when you used to plead with me to give some of those bands another chance to prove themselves. And then it was me who never listened. Well, I'll bet you're going to listen. You're going to be visited by three ghosts. The first one, tonight. The second one, tomorrow night. The third one, the night after that.

AGNEW
Can't I have them all in one night and get it over with?

CHARLES
No, that's not the way it works. They'll be here at midnight.

AGNEW
Can the one tonight wait until 12:37? One of our bands is going to be on Letterman unless they get bumped by Letterman's mom baking Christmas pies.

CHARLES
No! And just what is a Flaming Highway Records artist doing on Letterman? Are we going for a completely different kind of audience than we used to now? Never mind, we'll have plenty of time to discuss this in the afterlife. Unless you clean up your act. But that's not looking too likely right now. I gotta go.

AGNEW
Yeah, and your jukeboxes are scuffing the floor! Now I've gotta get Joe in here to polish the floor, again!

CHARLES
Oh, shut up, Aggie.

AGNEW
...What time is it? 11:59? I must have fallen asleep at my desk! If I get back to my 60th-floor condominium quick, I can still catch Cap'n Crunch and the Berries.

ALANIS
They were bumped. I saw the live feed.

AGNEW
Well, are they going to reschedule? Wait a minute, who are you?

ALANIS
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.

AGNEW
Why do you look so much like that personal secretary Adrien Creamsicle hired?

ALANIS
I don't know what you're talking about. Here, hold my hand.

AGNEW
Oh, don't remind me of that song!

ALANIS
Don't tell me...

AGNEW
"Which one of you is The Blowfish?" I said.

ALANIS
Oh, that's terrible. Well, up you go.

AGNEW
Aaaaah! Ooh! This is actually neat! We're flying over the city! I can see how this would have scared someone back in the 1800's, but in these days of air travel, I and many other people are used to looking at the world from this perspective.

ALANIS
Quiet! I'm looking for an address.

AGNEW
Maybe I can help.

ALANIS
Okay, look for 314 Locust Street, in 1955.

AGNEW
314 Locust Street? But that's my old house!

ALANIS
Exactly! What, did you think I was going to show you someone else's Christmas past?

AGNEW
Oh! It's my house in 1955, all right! There's the blue Studebaker in the driveway, and inside...it's Mom and Dad! And me!

DAD
Well, son, this one looks like it's a present for you from Santa.

YOUNG AGNEW
Oh, boy! I can't wait to see what it is!

DAD
I think you'll like it.

YOUNG AGNEW
Wow! My very own record player! Thanks, Dad!

DAD
Now you can play all your Bill Haley and the Meteors records on that, and leave our hi-fi free of all that "race music."

YOUNG AGNEW
It's called "rock and roll" now, Dad. And it's the Comets. You'll see! Rock and roll is the future of music!

MOM
Oh, I don't know, dear. The Andrews Sisters are pretty futuristic.

YOUNG AGNEW
I'll bet you ten years from now, rock and roll will still be around!

ALANIS
Ready to go?

AGNEW
Already? But I was just getting interested.

ALANIS
Well, see, I'm only going to show you a short vignette in each of several years, and they'll all fit together to teach you a lesson, hopefully.

AGNEW
You know, I was right about rock and roll. It was still around in ten years.

ALANIS
Speaking of ten years, that's where we're going. Over to the University.

AGNEW
It's actually kind of cold up here at this altitude. Would you mind if we huddled together for warmth?

ALANIS
Forget it, buster. Oh, look, we're here already.

AGNEW
It's the good old student lounge in Bassett Hall! I remember all those late-night study sessions. And it's Chuck...and Don and Phil!

CHARLES
Anyone hear the new song on K-Beatle-Beatle-J?

DON
I can't believe KBBJ is still calling itself that. It's been almost two years since they invaded America!

AGNEW
I heard it, Chuck. It was great.

PHIL
It was good, but I didn't like that weird guitar.

AGNEW
That wasn't guitar, that was a sitar.

DON
A sitar?

CHARLES
Yeah, it's an ancient instrument from India. I think the new song is just the forerunner of a wave of psychedelic rock music, both from British and American bands.

PHIL
What? No more Herman's Hermits pop tunes?

CHARLES
No, they'll just go down in history as a footnote to the British invasion.

AGNEW
You know what I was thinking? Someone should develop an American version of the Beatles, and hype them just as much as the Beatles. Give 'em their own TV show or something.

DON
Damn it, I messed up. That's not spelled with two E's.

CHARLES
Don't cross it out. Just put some of the white stuff in this bottle on top of it. It's new, I just found it at the stationery store.

PHIL
You know, Chuck and Aggie, you two know a lot about music. You should start a record company or something.

AGNEW
Oh, yeah, right. Like that's ever going to happen. Come on, let's get back to biology.

ALANIS
And the good news is, we can just turn around for Christmas 1971. You were right across the street.

AGNEW
I thought we were going every ten years. 1955 and 1965...

ALANIS
But nothing happened to you at Christmas in 1975. Something did happen in 1971.

CHARLES
Well, here it is, Agnew. Flaming Avenue Records will be officially in business out of this old house as of January 1st, 1972.

AGNEW
I guess now that the sign's out front, it's too late to call it "Durrows & Burroughs Records."

CHARLES
That's too cute. Today's records aren't cute, they're exciting. They're hot. They're flaming. They're driving down the avenue, spreading music wherever they go, like a fire consuming a forest.

AGNEW
That's a good analogy. So, who's going to have the honor of being on Flaming Avenue Records Number One?

CHARLES
I was thinking Miss Sadie and Her Moog Synthesizer. Take my word for it, instrumental electronic music is the wave of the future.

AGNEW
"Instrumental electronic music is the wave of the future"? What was he thinking? He could always predict the trends...but then we started the record company! What happened to him?

ALANIS
I have no idea. We're focusing on you, not him. So let's see, your final stop on this tour will be Christmas 1979. As I recall, you had just moved into the new offices, which were over that way somewhere...

AGNEW
Aaaaaah! Watch the airplane!

ALANIS
Hey, it's not my fault your offices are near the airport. Here we are.

CHARLES
(coughs) Aggie, I can't believe you had me come in on (coughs) Christmas.

AGNEW
I want to get the new statement of incorporation to the Secretary of State's office by the 27th.

CHARLES
(coughs) How can you get it there that (coughs) quickly?

AGNEW
There's this new overnight delivery service called Federal Express. They're a little more expensive than the Postal Service, but it should be worth it.

CHARLES
Well, the Postal Service (coughs) is pretty expensive itself. Fifteen cents? (coughs) That's an outrage!

AGNEW
Just sign here, and we'll be Flaming Highway Records from now on.

CHARLES
A great way (coughs) to signal our expansion. Expanding from (coughs) an avenue to a highway.

AGNEW
Will you do something about that cough?

CHARLES
I'm seeing a doctor on the 27th. (coughs) I've been like this ever since Barry Manilow (coughs) kicked me in the chest.

AGNEW
Thanks for your signature.

CHARLES
You don't want to (coughs) come over for Christmas dinner? (coughs)

AGNEW
No, I'm going to work until late finishing these up. You go home.

ALANIS
And let's cut to five hours later...

AGNEW
...Dayton? We have a distributor in Dayton?

Sound FX: Telephone rings

AGNEW
Flaming Avenue, Highway Records. Agnew R. Durrows speaking. Oh, hi, what's...a blood clot in his lung? Got into his brain? Oh, no. Oh, no. Not Chuck!

ALANIS
Well, hope you liked this look back into your past. Bye!

AGNEW
What? We can't be done already! I'm still not sure what lesson I'm supposed to have learned from all this! I'm still not sure what happened to our ability to forecast trends! Am I not supposed to work so hard on Christmas? Should we go back to psychedelic music? What about Andrews Sisters reissues? And why'd you leave me standing here in front of the office? It's cold out here!

JOHNNY
Hey, are you Agnew R. Durrows?

AGNEW
Who wants to know?

JOHNNY
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.

AGNEW
You know, you look a lot like that rural yokel in that band of Creamsicle's.

JOHNNY
There's no rural yokels in a band of Creamsicles. Just vanilla ice cream in a fruity Popsicle shell. Anyway, let's go and see how everyone's doing this Christmas, shall we? I'll just snap my fingers...

AGNEW
The Ghost of Christmas Past had to fly around!

JOHNNY
Yeah, and I snap my fingers because I get airsick. (Snaps)

AGNEW
Hey, what's this?

JOHNNY
Just a typical house, Christmas morning.

DAD
Well, son, this one looks like it's a present for you from Santa.

LITTLE BOY
Oh, boy! I can't wait to see what it is!

DAD
I think you'll like it.

LITTLE BOY
(bored) Huh. A harmonica. Thanks, Santa.

AGNEW
What? He should be thrilled to get a harmonica! It's the next big thing!

JOHNNY
That's what you think. Anyway, let's go somewhere else. (Snaps)

AGNEW
Who owns this old broken-down recording studio here in the poor section of town?

JOHNNY
Your former employee, Adrien Creamsicle.

AGNEW
Oh, I don't know if I can look at this...

JOHNNY
Too bad. You have to.

GUNNAR
All right! Yahtzee again!

FRED
It's actually a lot easier to get Yahtzee when you only have two dice, Gunnar.

GUNNAR
That's all we have. All my Yahtzees are making up for not getting any large straights.

JOHNNY
I can't believe all the presents were hidden in the trunk of your car.

ADRIEN
That's the only place I could hide them! Alanis would probably throw them away in a misguided attempt to clean up if I put them in any of the closets, and I didn't want to take the risk of hiding them in the recording booth if we lost the key. I didn't think there was any way my CAR could be repossessed.

FIG
I've got an idea. Why don't we have a pretend gift exchange?

ADRIEN
See, Fig's thinking, unlike the rest of you. Why don't you start, Fig?

FIG
Okay, Mr. Creamsicle, this first present's for you.

ADRIEN
For me? Why, Fig, thank you very much! I know whatever it is, I don't deserve it! Oh, wow! Look at this wrapping paper! And this great job of wrapping!

GUNNAR
I think Screentickle's finally lost it.

ADRIEN
Wow, Fig, it's the nicest one of these I've ever seen in my life! Uh, what is it?

FIG
It's a guide to punctuation.

ADRIEN
A guide to punctuation?

FIG
Yeah, Johnny was talking about this problem you've been having over the last few weeks, and I didn't want you to ever miss another period.

AGNEW
Tell me, Spirit, what's wrong with that boy?

JOHNNY
I don't know exactly. I think he's just stupid or something. And I don't know if I'd call him a "boy".

AGNEW
I meant "boy" in the metaphorical sense.

GUNNAR
Wait a minute, Fig, where did you hide your presents?

FIG
In the trunk of Mr. Creamsicle's car. And it was hard to squeeze them in with all that other stuff in there. Especially the piece of the Densest Rock in the Universe that I got to give to Fred.

ADRIEN
No wonder my back bumper was dragging on the ground.

AGNEW
I don't get it, Spirit, they're laughing and joking!
I thought by this time that they might all be croaking!
This studio looks completely undressed!
Everything valuable's been repossessed!
The bank took guitars, they took all the mikes!
They took the Ford Taurus and BMX bikes!
They took the piano, they took the marimba!
They took Disney stuff, like the statue of Simba!
They took that weird thing, what's it called, autoharp!
They took seven copies of John Irving's "Garp"!
I mean what I say, and I'm not being fickle!
I thought they cleaned out Adrien Creamsicle!

JOHNNY
I guess you were wrong. Now I must depart.
You can take a man's stuff, but you can't take his heart.

AGNEW
Hey, that was pretty catchy. Wait a minute, where'd he go? Those ghosts keep disappearing on me! Oh, well, at least I can watch some more of these guys' wacky hijinks. Hey! What happened? The house went dark!

GUNNAR
Boo.

AGNEW
Yaaaah! You startled me! Wait, don't tell me. You're the Ghost of Christmas Future.

GUNNAR
No, actually, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, because it sounds more dark and foreboding. Yeah, yeah, I know I look a lot like that angry guy in that band of Creamsicle's, but it's not me. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to be talking this much. I've got to think ominous.

AGNEW
Where...where are you going to take me?

GUNNAR
We'll...just...stay...right...here.

AGNEW
What?

GUNNAR
Nope, I guess that's not the way to be ominous.

AGNEW
Oh, we're still here at Creamsicle's place. But what's that sign over there?

GUNNAR
Why don't you go read it?

AGNEW
"Coming soon to this site: a new ninety-story condominum"? But...but... I've got a 99-year lease on the highest condominum in this town, so I can look down on all the record consumers in this town!

BLINDY
Hello? Have either of you seen Adrien Creamsicle? I was supposed to interview with him for a job. But I guess I missed him. I've been waiting an awfully long time.

AGNEW
Sorry I can't help you. I haven't seen him either.

BLINDY
Well, then I'll just sit in this beanbag chair to wait for him.

GUNNAR
Come on! Show some compassion!

AGNEW
Oh, all right. Uh, that's not a beanbag chair, that's actually...well, it looks like some kind of giant fungus.

BLINDY
Really? That would explain why it doesn't seem to be filled with beans.

AGNEW
Why don't you wait over here, where you're not in the path of a bulldozer.

BLINDY
Thanks for all your help.

AGNEW
No problem.

GUNNAR
There, didn't that feel good? Off to the mall!

SALESPERSON
Hi, welcome to Blockbuster! There's a sale on sofas in our furniture department! And don't forget to see the new flowers in our nursery out back!

AGNEW
Where's the music department?

SALESPERSON
Music is over in the west wing on the fifth floor, behind the pet supplies.

GUNNAR
Oh, here, you don't need to walk.

AGNEW
Waaaugh! That teleporting thing is disorienting.

SALESPERSON
Hi, welcome to Blockbuster! The Hootie and the Blowfish box set is on sale for only one-seventy-nine eighty-eight! And don't forget to see the autoharp section!

AGNEW
Didn't I just see you downstairs?

SALESPERSON
That was probably another one of the Blockbuster salesclones.

AGNEW
Oh. Wait, did you say autoharp section?

SALESPERSON
That's right. Autoharp music has been popular for many decades now, and its popularity shows no signs of abating.

AGNEW
Let me guess. It became popular in 1996.

SALESPERSON
No, actually, not until 1998. Although most music scholars now agree that they could have become popular as early as 1996 if the right group had come along at that time. Excuse me. Hi, welcome to Blockbuster! The Beatles Anthology, Volume Sixty-Seven, will be released on Tuesday, just in time for Christmas II! Don't miss the special in-store appearance by a holographic projection of Ringo Starr's great-grandnephew!

AGNEW
Christmas II?

GUNNAR
It's on December 29th. After everyone returns the Christmas presents they originally got you, Christmas II is the day they give you the presents you really wanted. But I've said too much already. Let's go to the offices of Flaming Highway Records.

AGNEW
Ghost, I...wait a second, these can't be the offices of Flaming Highway Records! This building looks even worse than that shack of Creamsicle's!

LITTLE BOY
Extra! Extra! Another mega-megamerger deal announced! Think all about it! News wafer, sir?

GUNNAR
Sure, we'll take one.

AGNEW
That's no newspaper, it's a tiny little computer chip.

GUNNAR
Not newspaper, news wafer. Here. (slaps forehead)

AGNEW
Ouch! What did you do that for? Wait a minute, I can see...the headline. "Time Warner-Sony and Polygram-BMG Merge, Creating World's Only Record Company." World's only record company?

GUNNAR
That's right. Actually, there have only been two record companies for a long time.

AGNEW
And there's no independent record companies? None at all?

GUNNAR
Oh, none since...well, it must have been about the time none of them picked up on the autoharp trend.

AGNEW
What? How could that happen?

GUNNAR
We've got just one more stop to make. Let's go.

AGNEW
I hope it's better news....Oh, no, not the cemetery!

GUNNAR
Yes...the cemetery. Look, over there.

AGNEW
Five identical tombstones...but who could it...Adrien Creamsicle? And the Complacents? But these look worn and weathered! What year did they...1996?

GUNNAR
For some reason, they were desperate to change their sound. There was a little accident with an organ.

AGNEW
An organ! After harmonicas, the next big musical tr...

GUNNAR
What was that?

AGNEW
Nothing, nothing.

GUNNAR
And over there. Looks like a funeral.

AGNEW
It's me, isn't it?

GUNNAR
No, I was just pointing it out for interest. Let's go home.

AGNEW
Stop that. I know it's me. I'll just ask the priest. Father, excuse me, Father, whose funeral is this? It's Agnew R. Durrows, isn't it?

AGNEW
This is the service for Bill O'Connor, and how did you know my name?

AGNEW
Aaaaaah! I've become a priest! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! (scream continues under...)

GUNNAR
Ha ha ha ha ha ha... (trails off)

AGNEW
(continued) Aaaaaaaaah! Spirit, tell me that these are merely shadows of what is to come! I still have time to change these things! I don't want to be a priest! Oh, wait, I guess if I were a priest, young boys would be... wait a minute, what am I saying? Aaaaaaah! Wait another minute, I'm back in my 60th-floor condominium! Oh, I hope I haven't missed it! I hope there's still time! You there, young boy on the street below, what day is this?...I said, what day is this?...Oh, darn these modern windows that don't open! I know, I'll find out from TV!

ANNOUNCER
And we'll be back with Regis and Kathie Lee and more of the Walt Disney World Very Merry Christmas Parade after these messages.

AGNEW
Oh, hooray! I haven't missed it! It's not too late!

Sound FX: Phone dials

AGNEW
Sunnybrook Farms? This is Agnew R. Durrows. Send your best turkey to Creamsicle Studios...No, I don't know the address, look it up yourself!... No, a dead one!

Sound FX: Phone dials

AGNEW
This is Agnew R. Durrows. Send all of the stuff you repossessed back.... Yes, I know it's Christmas....Well, I don't care how you get it back, just do it!

(Christmas music up and fade)

GUNNAR
Let's see. I spy something eggshell white.

JOHNNY
The ceiling.

GUNNAR
Oh, you guessed it! Let's try again. I spy something off-white.

JOHNNY
That wall.

GUNNAR
Nope.

JOHNNY
THAT wall.

GUNNAR
That's it! You're really good at this.

FRED
You know, the whole point of this game is really to guess what object the person is thinking of.

GUNNAR
What objects? We don't have any more objects.

JOHNNY
I spy something wearing a ridiculous orange-and-green sweater.

GUNNAR
Fred.

FRED
It's the only one they didn't repossess! At least I'm wearing something.

JOHNNY
Well, I was in the shower when they came to take everything.

ADRIEN
Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to figure out how we can get our stuff back.

FIG
I've got an idea. Why don't we have a pretend gift exchange?

ADRIEN
How will that help us get our stuff back?

FIG
Because maybe if we don't think about our stuff, it'll just magically appear.

GUNNAR
Fig, when they repossess your stuff, they don't come back the next day in a truck and dump it on the front lawn.

Sound FX: Truck backing up

Sound FX: Doorbell

FIG
Doorbell!

ADRIEN
I thought they repossessed that. Who is it?

AGNEW
Open up, Creamsicle! You know very well who it is!

ADRIEN
Well, actually, no I don't. It couldn't be my former boss. He thinks I'm a freak and thinks men's heads with pregnant women's bodies have no place in the music business!

AGNEW
Cut it out, Creamsicle, I'm here to apologize!

ADRIEN
Really?

AGNEW
Really!

ADRIEN
Oh, all right, come in.

GUNNAR
Hey, there's all our stuff on the front lawn!

JOHNNY
All right!

AGNEW
You guys just go on out there and sort through it. Uh-uh, not you, Fig.

FIG
What?

AGNEW
Say goodbye to your old autoharp.

FIG
Goodbye, autoharp...wait a minute, why?

AGNEW
Because I've brought you a Christmas present. A new, solid gold autoharp!

FIG
(Gasps) The Chordmaster 2000 Autoharp! With a solid gold body! With guaranteed-for-life strings! With felt made only from the fur shed by otters within a 10-mile radius of Boise, Idaho! Thanks, Mr. Durrows!

GUNNAR
All right! I found my guitar!

JOHNNY
I found my microphone!

FRED
I found the book of mazes I was working on!

AGNEW
And Adrien, I'd like to hire you back at Flaming Highway Records. But not in your old position.

ADRIEN
Oh, you want me to be a secretary, is that it? Well, let me tell you something...

AGNEW
Just hold on a minute, Creamsicle! Let me finish! I want you to be the full-time manager of the Complacents!

ADRIEN
Jumpin' Joyeux Noel! But...why?

AGNEW
Let's just say I've gotten some good tips on what the next big thing in music is going to be.

FIG
Girl groups that are actually men's heads on women's bodies?

AGNEW
Oh, you just keep being your wacky self!

FIG
No, really, what is the next big thing?

AGNEW
I'm not telling! I don't want to ruin the surprise!

FRED
It must be mazes, then.

AGNEW
Since you have your instruments back, why don't you play something?

ADRIEN
Really? You want to hear them play?

AGNEW
Sure, I want to hear Flaming Highway's new cash cow. I mean, I want a beer naming Friday to crash now.

JOHNNY
That's what I thought you said. Let's do a Christmas song, guys!

GUNNAR
How about an uptempo rocker? Something secular, like "Jingle Bell Rock"?

FIG
I was kind of hoping we could keep the "mass" in Christmas. Well, we wouldn't have to do a Catholic song, but you know what I mean.

JOHNNY
Let's combine the two, then. I've got an idea. Follow my lead. A one, and a two...

SONG: "Oh Ho Ho Holy Night"

ALANIS
Hi, everyone.

ADRIEN
Alanis? What are you doing here? You've got the week off.

ALANIS
When I heard the Complacents were in trouble, all I wanted to know was how much.

ADRIEN
It was a lot, but we seem to have gotten out of it by now...except for my condition, that is.

ALANIS
You're pregnant! I knew it! But I don't think I'm the father, am I?

ADRIEN
Aaaah, I'll explain it to you later.

Sound FX: Doorbell

DELIVERYMAN
Ajax Christmas Delivery Service! Let's see, I've got a tree right here. I'll just put it up next to the window.

FIG
Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?

DELIVERYMAN
And your turkey from Sunnybrook Farms. I'll just set that down here. And last but not least, a telegram for Agnew R. Durrows.

ADRIEN
Not a singing babygram, I hope. I've already gotten eight of those.

DELIVERYMAN
No, a regular Western Union telegram.

FIG
Gee, do they still send Western Union telegrams?

AGNEW
Quiet, everyone. It's a telegram from London...(pause for Jer to do his thing)...Ontario. "From CHLO Radio: Just heard Complacents album, stop. Putting it into power rotation, stop. Yee-ha and merry Christmas."

ADRIEN
Wow! One of the two hundred most influential radio stations in Canada is going to be playing the Complacents!

EVERYONE
(Singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
In days of auld lang syne
In days of auld lang syne, my dear
In days of auld lang syne
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet
For auld lang syne

FIG
Look, Mr. Creamsicle! Teacher says, every time a bell rings, a man's head on a woman's body gets pregnant!

ADRIEN
Yeah, Fig. That's right. That's right.

(Christmas music up and fade)

ANNOUNCER
"A Very Complacent Christmas" has been a WNUR/Library of Congress "Read More About It" project.

JOHNNY
If you would like to read more about men's heads attached to women's bodies getting pregnant, the Library of Congress recommends the following books.

GUNNAR
"My Life in Tabloid Journalism," by Larry Stephens.

FRED
"A Thousand and One Scientific Impossibilities," by the editors of Science Digest magazine.

FIG
And "Thirty Horrifying Tales of Science Fiction," by various authors.

ADRIEN
If your local library doesn't carry these books, go to one that does.

ANNOUNCER
And don't miss it when the Complacents return to WNUR after a well-deserved vacation. The new season of "The Complacents" premieres on Saturday, January 6th, 1996, at 2:00 A.M. Same time, same station, new year.