Let the Circle Be Unbroken

The Curtain, Episode 16

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on The Complacents February 24, 1996

Author's Note: This was my one attempt at writing an episode of "The Curtain" (they were normally written by Lucas). Of course, I had "my" superhero be the hero of the episode. I will admit, though, it was much more fun to play a supervillain, even though doing Bizarro Announcer Man was a strain on my voice.

ANNOUNCER
Last week on "The Curtain," a den of Cub Scouts, taking the motto "Be Prepared" to heart, completely failed to stop the evil Bizarro Monkey Boy from continuing his life of villainy. He is still in the employ of the even-more-evil Swami Salami, and as our story opens, Swami Salami has both Curtis Hambones, a.k.a. The Curtain, and his landlady, Mrs. Hugglebum, in his icy grasp.

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
You're an evil, evil man, do you know that?

SWAMI SALAMI
Well, I'm sorry, but it's the only way I know how to be.

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
Not you, him.

CURTIS
Me?

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
Yes! It says right there on your apartment lease, no superheroes! What an evil thing to do. I should evict you right now!

CURTIS
This really isn't the time or the place to talk about evictions, unless you have a plan for evicting us from here!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
Actually, this isn't that bad. It's much better than that stench from that monkey who was carrying me around for twelve days.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
What that about Bizarro Monkey Boy stench?

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
My, you smell much better than you used to.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Thank you. Me get new clothes and generous splash of cologne from nice Cub Scout den mother lady.

SWAMI SALAMI
That's certainly good, Bizarro Monkey Boy, but shouldn't you be holding The Curtain down so we can prepare to transform him into...The Dark Curtain?

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Me forgot. Let me see...what to hold him down with? Me find curtain rod! Irony make Bizarro Monkey Boy chuckle on inside.

CURTIS
You'll never get away with this, Swami Salami! Do you hear me? Never! The Major League Supercrimebusters are on their way, I'm sure.

SWAMI SALAMI
Oh no they're not! I have it on good authority that they're a bit...tied up!

ANNOUNCER
Usually in this situation, you would expect the Major League Supercrimebusters to have been literally tied up with rope. But they are instead tied up in a meeting in their Manhattan headquarters. It seems as if there is a membership question.

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Now can I rejoin?

LADY VICTORY
While your new costume certainly looks impressive, Dr. Patriot‹-or should I say The Straightedge Two‹-you know the rules. You must correctly answer one question asked by each member of the team.

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
All right, I'm ready. Do your worst.

LADY VICTORY
We'll go around the table then. Quantum Mechanic?

QUANTUM MECHANIC
How many degrees would you have to turn the Earth backwards if you wanted to go back in time two hours?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Thirty degrees.

QUANTUM MECHANIC
That's right!

LADY VICTORY
Super-American?

SUPER-AMERICAN
If the Earth were about to be destroyed, and you could only save one person, who would you save?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
The President of the United States.

SUPER-AMERICAN
I'll give him an A-plus for that one.

LADY VICTORY
Mr. Shammy?

MR. SHAMMY
How much water does a superhero need to drink after a fight?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
A good rule of thumb is a quart per villain defeated.

MR. SHAMMY
He's right.

LADY VICTORY
Mini-Blinds?

MINI-BLINDS
Your secret identity is about to be revealed by a national television network. What's the best course of action?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Knock their satellite out of orbit.

MINI-BLINDS
Good!

LADY VICTORY
Furry Kitten?

FURRY KITTEN
Meow meow meow meow. Meow meow. Meow meow meow?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Two thousand pounds per square inch, except during a solar eclipse.

FURRY KITTEN
Meow meow!

LADY VICTORY
Benevolent Girl?

BENEVOLENT GIRL
Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Ulysses S. Grant...and his wife.

BENEVOLENT GIRL
Good! That second part usually trips people up.

LADY VICTORY
Say, where is Announcer Man?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Uhhh...

LADY VICTORY
That wasn't a question for you. I just noticed he was gone.

MR. SHAMMY
He went to Madison Square Garden. Some terrorists planted a bunch of bombs set to go off at the end of the game, and he's masquerading as a play-by-play announcer to try to defuse the bomb and capture the terrorists.

LADY VICTORY
Really? Let's turn on the radio and listen in...

ANNOUNCER MAN
And the Rangers and the Blackhawks are tied at three apiece here at the Garden, where there are absolutely no bombs set to go off anywhere in the arena. It's the second intermission, and after this, we'll be talking with hockey fan and non-terrorist Bill Murray. But first, this word from Miller Lite. Remember, life is good, bombs planted in hockey arenas is bad.

LADY VICTORY
He sounds like he's doing a fine job. Anyway, The Straightedge Two, my question for you is: You're in the 900 block of West Forty-third Street. Eighteen supervillains suddenly appear in front of you. Twenty-two supervillains suddenly appear in back of you. There is no escape. What do you do?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Nothing. There is no 900 block of West Forty-third Street.

LADY VICTORY
The Straightedge Two, welcome to the Major League Supercrimebusters.

EVERYONE
Hooray!

LADY VICTORY
Now, is there any other new business?

MINI-BLINDS
There sure is! The Curtain has been missing longer than Announcer Man!

LADY VICTORY
He has?

MR. SHAMMY
I thought he was going to do color while Announcer Man did play-by-play.

MINI-BLINDS
I don't think so. Oh, well, it's not really that important. He probably just went to visit his mother. That's what he always does when he's trying to avoid me for some reason or another.

BENEVOLENT GIRL
Maybe he's at the jeweler's, buying a special you-know-what for you-know-who!

MINI-BLINDS
Do you really think so, Benevolent Girl?

SUPER-AMERICAN
I think so! I mean, I can't believe he hasn't popped the question to you yet!

MINI-BLINDS
Well, he's a little shy.

LADY VICTORY
Well, he has six weeks to get back from his mother's, or he's off the team.

FURRY KITTEN
Meow meow meow!

LADY VICTORY
You're right, Furry Kitten, it is getting late.

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
I move to adjourn this meeting.

BENEVOLENT GIRL
Second!

LADY VICTORY
All right, all in favor...

ANNOUNCER
But we'll have to wait and find out how that vote turns out, because something is happening at Swami Salami's secret hideout...

SWAMI SALAMI
All right, you fiends! We'll soon be turning The Curtain into The Dark Curtain. Hurry up and bring that pot of dye over here...and I don't mean d-y-e, I mean D-I-E!

BLITZKRIEG MAN
Yes! Here is giant pot of secret molecular altering formula for you to plunge The Curtain into!

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Bizarro Monkey Boy added pinch of oregano. Hope that okay.

CURTIS
(whispering) Oh, come on! He untied you! Just untie me, please, Mrs. Hugglebum?

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
(whispering) Okay, but no noise at all after 9:00.

CURTIS
(whispering) I promise!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
(whispering) And no lady friends coming to visit at all hours!

CURTIS
(whispering) I promise!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
(whispering) And especially, especially, no superheroing!

CURTIS
(whispering) Uhh...I promise!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
(whispering) Oh, and your rent is going up 50% as of the first of the month.

CURTIS
Thanks, Mrs. Hugglebum, and now, it's curtains for you!

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Curtain is untied!

SWAMI SALAMI
What? Right under my nose? Seamripper! Dark Bucky! Get him!

DARK BUCKY
Oh, no, it's curtains for you, Curtain! Wait, what are you...?

ANNOUNCER
Splash!

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Curtain throw Dark Bucky into pot of secret formula!

BLITZKRIEG MAN
And The Curtain has escaped!

(DARK) BUCKY
And I am no longer Dark Bucky. Rather, I have reverted to my original persona and am now merely known as "Bucky."

SWAMI SALAMI
Oh, no! Everything's going wrong! And on today of all days!

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Why today so good?

SWAMI SALAMI
Because today was the day my daughter was going to witness my second- greatest triumph!

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
Your daughter here? Me not know Seamripper actually your daughter!

BLITZKRIEG MAN
I actually am very suspicious of the no-longer-dark Bucky!

SWAMI SALAMI
No, no, no! There's only one woman in this room and it's Edna Hugglebum!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
Dad?

SWAMI SALAMI
Oh, Eddy, I'm sorry you had to see me like this!

MRS. HUGGLEBUM
Dad, it's all right! How many years has it been?

SWAMI SALAMI
It's been far too many.

BIZARRO MONKEY BOY
You do not want us to go after Curtain?

SWAMI SALAMI
No, just let him go. We'll catch up to him later. Eddy and I have some catching up to do now.

BLITZKRIEG MAN
But Herr Salami, I have but one question. If your defeat of the Curtain was to be only your second-greatest triumph, then what was your greatest?

SWAMI SALAMI
Not was my greatest. Will be my greatest. That day will come...when I have defeated the Complacents.

ANNOUNCER
And if you can remember that far back, the Major League Supercrimebusters were about to vote on adjourning their meeting.

EVERYONE
Aye!

LADY VICTORY
All opposed? [silence] Then I declare this meeting...

THE CIRCLE
Not so fast, Supercrimebusters! It is I...The Circle!

SUPER-AMERICAN
How dare you burst in here, Circle! Why, I oughtta...(thud) Hey! I punched myself!

LADY VICTORY
That's The Circle's power, Super-American! Everything you do to him physically circles back around to you! There's only one way to defeat him, and that's to draw a perfect square around him so he can't escape!

THE CIRCLE
Yes, but how are you going to draw a perfect square around me?

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Why is everyone looking at me?

BENEVOLENT GIRL
Go for it, Straightedge Two.

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Oh, all right, let's see here. Hi there, how are you?

THE CIRCLE
Oh, I'm just dandy. So, they call you Straightedge Two, huh?

MR. SHAMMY
That line isn't straight at all!

FURRY KITTEN
Meow meow meow!

LADY VICTORY
You're right, Furry Kitten, that angle looks more like eighty-two degrees to me! The Straightedge Two, you're out of the Major League Supercrimebusters, under chapter eight, section four-B of the Major League Supercrimebusters charter: misrepresenting your super powers.

DR. PATRIOT (STRAIGHTEDGE II)
Out again! Maybe I should just give up and take up needlepoint.

THE CIRCLE
Oh, so none of you can defeat me? Well, then, I'll just go and wreak havoc all over the city, then. Say, does anyone know the Rangers score?

BENEVOLENT GIRL
It was three to three, last I heard.

QUANTUM MECHANIC
We have a radio right here. Let's see what the score is now.

ANNOUNCER MAN
...and the Rangers top the division in penalty killing, but not killing their fans with bombs. None of their fans have been or are going to be killed with bombs. They go to center ice for the faceoff...the referee is poking the ice with his skate...apparently the circle feels a little mushy, but not as a result of a bomb being hidden under the ice.

THE CIRCLE
I feel...mushy!

ANNOUNCER MAN
Apparently, the line judge thinks the circle feels all right...

THE CIRCLE
Wait, I feel better!

ANNOUNCER MAN
No, the ref is waving for the grounds crew, who aren't involved in any sort of plot to hide a bomb in the arena. Apparently, the circle has been completely worn down.

THE CIRCLE
I feel...completely worn down.

ANNOUNCER MAN
And we're getting word in the booth that the referee called the circle "lifeless," unlike the very much alive fans who are not being killed by the nonexistent bombs at the Garden, where the Rangers lead the Chicago Blackhawks, five to three. We'll take a time out as they resurface the area around the faceoff circle at center ice.

BENEVOLENT GIRL
There you go, Circle. It's five to three.

MR. SHAMMY
But...he's dead!

LADY VICTORY
Another victory for the Major League Supercrimebusters! Meeting adjourned!

ANNOUNCER
The meeting may be over, but some questions remain. What will Swami Salami do now? What prompted The Circle's mysterious visit? What is that cologne Bizarro Monkey Boy is wearing? Tune in next week for another episode of The Curtain, when you'll hear Bucky say...

(DARK) BUCKY
I would very much like to start a needlepoint club, but I need at least one other member. I wonder what sort of chap would like to join a needlepoint club?