Siggy Gets Revenge

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme June 10, 1995

Author's Note: The original concept for "Vapo Cigarettes Presents...," as thought up by Jeremy Morse (a.k.a. Siggy Llama), was that, in the last episode, this cigarette-sponsored radio show would have to deal with the news that cigarettes were harmful for your health. Since this was the last episode, I decided to pay homage to TV show cliffhangers that, thanks to the show getting cancelled, never get resolved.

As our story begins...the story has broken that cigarettes may have a potential for causing harm, so all references to them are being quickly removed from the show...

SIGGY
Mr. Announcer? We're going to take all the cigarette references out of this sketch, so if you see one coming up, try to edit it out in your head.

MR. ANNOUNCER
I'll do my best, but I'm not very good at ad-libbing. It helps if it's written on a piece of paper in front of me.

SIGGY
Just do your best.

(Theme music up and under)

MR. ANNOUNCER
(to himself) PORTIONS of the preceding program...portions of the preceding PROGRAM...portions of the PRECEDING...Siggy! It's five-thirty in the morning! You never get up this early!

SIGGY
I haven't been to sleep yet.

MR. ANNOUNCER
What's wrong? Do you have insomnia? Wait--I know what would help you go to sleep. A nice, refreshing drag on a mintlike--uh, what else do you drag? A dragster. Yes, the Summernationals are just what you need to calm you down.

SIGGY
No, Mr. Announcer. I've been up all night planning something. Something big.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, is that what all these papers spread all over the kitchen table are for? What are you planning--a new toast recipe?

SIGGY
No, it's even better than toast.

MR. ANNOUNCER
What could be better than toast? Let's see...Siggy! This is a plan for revenge against someone! But who has wronged you recently?

SIGGY
Who? The fabulously wealthy Philander J. Buchanan the Third, with whom I've never seen eye to eye. That's who!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Philander J. Buchanan? But he's always nice and friendly to me. He says how much he likes my announcing, he always offers me a ciga--Siggy Llama-style grin--from the pack in his pock--smile on his face.

SIGGY
Haven't you been paying attention the past few weeks, Mr. Announcer? Let's see...there was the time his bank wouldn't give me a free toaster, there was the time we competed against each other on the "Million Dollar Rhombus" and he ended up smashing an autoharp over my head, there was the time I had to go back to high school and he made me completely miserable, there was the time I ran for mayor against him and he used negative campaigns against me...oh, and I'm sure you remember the time he locked us in the zoo all night and then put us on display the next morning.

MR. ANNOUNCER
He told me he was sorry when I saw him the next day.

SIGGY
He never said anything to ME. And I think one of my autoharps is still somewhere in the lion cage.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Well, it looks like you're pretty busy with your plans for revenge, so I'll just be stepping out for a smoke--in', I said, after spinning around wildly like that delightful Jim Carrey in "The Mask." Uh, I'll be stepping out for, uh, a few minutes. A little while. I'll be out for a little while.

SIGGY
Mr. Announcer! Are you moonlighting again?

MR. ANNOUNCER
No! In fact, why would I step outside to smoke a Va--shish-ka-bob, when I can smoke it quite easily here at the kitchen ta--on the kitchen rotisserie? Ahhh, I can already taste the mint--jelly in my lungs--and stomach! I'll sit here and have one--shish-ka-bob! And then I'll leave for a little while.

(Theme music up and under)

SIGGY
(stage whisper) Good job changing all those cigarette references on the fly, Mr. Announcer.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Quiet! You're not in this scene--uh, coming Wednesdays this fall to the Buchanan Broadcasting Network, it's "Oh, Craps!" A hilarious half-hour of fun on a leaky riverboat casino. And then stay tuned for "Toasts." Laugh along with the zany cast of characters that populates a pub in a major Northeastern city. "Oh, Craps!" at eight, seven central and mountain, and "Toasts" at eight-thirty, seven-thirty central and mountain. It's a wonderful Wednesday this fall on the Buchanan Broadcasting Network, network of champions.

PHILANDER
Great job of announcing as always, Mr. Announcer. Now people will watch those programs for sure!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, hello, Philander. I didn't know you were there.

PHILANDER
Well, I am. Care to join me in my office for a Va--Vegas getaway? Speaking of casinos, like in "Oh, Craps!", ha ha.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Uh, no thanks, Philander, but I will join you in your office for a conversation.

PHILANDER
Right! Of course. Here's a door to my office right here.

MR. ANNOUNCER
There's a door to your office here? I thought your office was on the second floor of the east wing.

PHILANDER
That's the main entrance. This is the entrance to the part of my office that contains the indoor pool and the miniature golf course.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, I see. There's the pool over there. And I thought this was just an elevator shaft.

PHILANDER
No, that's what the sign on the door says, to keep the riffraff out. But you're definitely not riffraff, Mr. Announcer. You've done more for Buchanan Enterprises than any man has since...myself. Would you like to bowl a few frames, or ski on the simulated mountain, or perhaps listen to some David Bowie?

(David Bowie begins playing.)

(Door closes, David Bowie shuts off.)

MR. ANNOUNCER
You have David Bowie in a closet?

PHILANDER
Sssh! Not so loud! I've been telling him it's a practice room.

MR. ANNOUNCER
I'd love to stay, but I really should get back home. I told Siggy Llama I just stepped outside for a smo--mobile. Winter's coming soon, and I thought we should be prepared.

PHILANDER
Has that Siggy Llama been giving you trouble about moonlighting again?

MR. ANNOUNCER
He's kind of right. He's sort of lost without me around. I'm a calming, steadying influence in his life. Kind of like a Vapo--the hot cereal that used to be advertised with that little kid who'd scream "I want my Maypo!"

PHILANDER
Hmmm...I never really thought Siggy needed a calming, steadying influence in his life.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, trust me, he does. In fact, he not only has me, he also has his autoharp.

PHILANDER
His autoharp? Why, oh why, did you have to mention the name of that infernal instrument?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Infernal instrument?

PHILANDER
It must get on your nerves so much, the way he plays that thing morning, noon, and night!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Not really...I mean, every once in a while he hooks his amplifier up and I can't hear myself announcing over the noise.

PHILANDER
Just when I had autoharps almost entirely stamped out in this country, by not selling them at my Buke-Mart stores. Along comes Siggy Llama, and you know what people are doing here in Vapovi--this city? They're going to independent musical instrument dealers and purchasing autoharps!

MR. ANNOUNCER
What have you got against autoharps, anyway?

PHILANDER
It all goes back to my grandfather, Philander J. Buchanan the First. Although he was married to a woman named Leona Buchanan-Smythe, he had an affair on a business trip one night. And that woman later gave birth to a son, who my grandfather adopted. His name was Philander J. Buchanan the Second--he was my father. That woman, however, passed on a gene that made my father go slowly and completely insane!

MR. ANNOUNCER
That's terrible! But what does it have to do with autoharps?

PHILANDER
You see, the woman my grandfather had an affair with--was an autoharpist!

MR. ANNOUNCER
(Gasp!) So are you going to go insane?

PHILANDER
No, thank goodness, I've had my DNA tested and I'm not carrying this gene. But it gets worse! Do you remember my lovely sister Ellen Buchanan?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Of course! She lives right next door to Siggy and me. You know, I don't think I've seen her around recently.

PHILANDER
You mean, she LIVED right next door.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, did she move?

PHILANDER
About six weeks ago, she moved...right into the city insane asylum!

MR. ANNOUNCER
What? Oh, no! That news will devastate Siggy! He's had a crush on Ellen for many years.

PHILANDER
Devastate, you say? What's your phone number again?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Uh, why don't I break it to Siggy when I go home? I probably should be getting back soon, I need to help him with his plan.

PHILANDER
If you can get away this afternoon, why don't you come on out to my mansion? I'm hosting a tea for the Legion In Favor of Decency. I'm trying to get them to speak out against autoharps. Say, wait a minute. What plan are you talking about?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, it's just something to get back at you, he says. I guess I can see why he'd want to, but I don't know.

PHILANDER
I'll be having many interesting and tasty varieties of toast at the tea.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Toast? That's great. I really like toast, but recently, it seems that there's always been some reason why Siggy hasn't gotten any, and therefore, I don't either.

PHILANDER
The first cup of tea will be poured at precisely four o'clock, Mr. Announcer.

MR. ANNOUNCER
I'll be there!

(Theme music up and under)

SIGGY
Well, Mr. Announcer, you came home just in time! At long last, I'm ready with my plan. It's this.

MR. ANNOUNCER
A piece of twine?

SIGGY
Not just any piece of twine. You see, you may not have read the newspaper this morning, but it seems that Philander J. Buchanan is hosting a tea for the Legion in Favor of Decency at his mansion this very afternoon.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Yes, uh, as a matter of fact, I was going to ask if I could attend that event.

SIGGY
I didn't know you were a member of LIFOD!

MR. ANNOUNCER
I'm not. Uh, Philander asked me to be his personal guest. You're not mad, are you?

SIGGY
Mad? Of course not! Why would I be mad? In fact, I'm planning to attend that event as well. I'll give you a lift in the Siggy-Mobile.

(Theme music up and under)

MR. ANNOUNCER
I don't see why you're bringing your autoharp to Philander J. Buchanan's tea. You know how much he hates autoharps. Oh, that reminds me of something I need to tell you, but it can wait.

SIGGY
I'm bringing my autoharp because I can think better when I'm holding it. (Strums it) See, that just raised my IQ ten points.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Wow, the Buchanan mansion really is impressive when you're standing directly in front of the front door looking up.

SIGGY
You go on ahead. I'll be right behind you.

MR. ANNOUNCER
What are you doing in the bushes?

SIGGY
I just want to get a closer look at this holly bush. Ouch!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Seems like you're in a thorny situation, ha ha.

SIGGY
Just ring the doorbell and go in!

(Doorbell goes "Bu-cha-nan")

MR. ANNOUNCER
That's an interesting doorbell.

BUTLER
Yes? May I help you?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Uh, hi, I'm Mr. Announcer...

BUTLER
Go right in. Mr. Buchanan is expecting you in the tea room. Turn right at the first doorway, then go through the living room, between the grand piano and the conversation pit, and it's the seventh doorway on your left. Just follow the green line on the floor if you get lost.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Thank you.

BUTLER
You're very welcome.

SIGGY
Wait! Don't close the door!

BUTLER
May I help you?

SIGGY
Um, I'm a member of the Legion in Favor of Decency. I'm here for the tea.

BUTLER
And your name?

SIGGY
Uh, Ezekiel. Ezekiel Coolidge.

BUTLER
I don't see you on the membership list, but anyone with a name like that sounds like they'd be in the group. Go right in. The meeting is in the tea room, just follow the green line on the floor.

SIGGY
Thank you, Jeeves.

BUTLER
You're going to have to leave your autoharp here.

SIGGY
My autoharp? But--

BUTLER
Sorry, sir, but Mr. Buchanan has very strict rules. No autoharps permitted past the foyer.

SIGGY
Oh, I see, that's written on a giant brass plaque. Well, I guess it won't get hurt if I leave it here.

(Theme music up and under)

LIFOD MEMBER
...as a parent and grandparent, I was outraged when I turned on the TV last night. I saw the most horrendous television program I've ever seen. "The Wayans Brothers" was so bad, I almost turned it off after the first ten minutes. Your network doesn't have anything like that, does it?

PHILANDER
No, of course not. The Buchanan Broadcasting Network only broadcasts programs of the highest quality. For example, beginning in September, we have a program Wednesday nights at 8 that will teach children all about probability and statistics, while entertaining them at the same time. They won't know they're being educated. But I know you didn't come here to talk about television, ladies and gentlemen. You came here to talk about the scourge that threatens America more than any other. I'm talking about the musical instrument known as...the autoharp!

LIFOD MEMBER
I move that we take a five-minute break so that many of our more elderly members can use the restroom.

PHILANDER
Yes, that's a good idea. You all who need to can follow the blue light bulbs on the ceiling to the nearest lavoratory. If you'd like to have some more tea or toast, feel free.

SIGGY
(whisper) Pssst...Mr. Announcer, down here.

MR. ANNOUNCER
(whisper) Siggy? What are you doing down on the floor? Have you tried any of the pumpernickel toast? It's exquisite.

SIGGY
(whisper) No, listen. I need you to distract Philander for a minute. I'm going to tie this twine to his belt loop.

MR. ANNOUNCER
(whisper) What? What exactly are you planning?

SIGGY
(whisper) At precisely the right moment, I'm going to give the twine a good yank, and make Philander appear indecent in front of the Legion in Favor of Decency. They'll put him on their Blue List for sure!

MR. ANNOUNCER
(whisper) Siggy, how can you do this to Philander? That's really going too far! You know as well as I do that getting put on the Blue List is just like being put on a blacklist! You'll completely ruin Philander and his corporation! You'll put almost the entire city of Va--the entire city out of work! Sorry, Siggy, but I can't go along with that.

PHILANDER
Enjoying the tea so far, Mr. Announcer? Say, what's so interesting about the floor?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Uh, the tea's great! And I was just looking at this carpet.

PHILANDER
Oh, you like it? It's three inches thick. I have it shampooed twice a week and Scotchgarded three times a day.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Really? I wondered why, when I accidentally dropped a piece of toast on it, the toast literally leapt back up onto my plate.

PHILANDER
Huh? What was that?

MR. ANNOUNCER
What?

PHILANDER
I thought I felt something tugging at a belt loop, but I guess it's nothing. Well, enjoy the toast and tea. I've got to make my speech against autoharps.

(Theme music up and under)

PHILANDER
...and, in conclusion, I have given you ninety-four reasons why autoharps are indecent. Let me give you number ninety-five: my beautiful sister Ellen! Jeeves, release the curtain!

LIFOD MEMBER
(Gasp) She's got an insane look in her eyes!

PHILANDER
That's right! Driven completely insane...by the autoharp!

SIGGY
All right, Philander J. Buchanan the Third! This time, you've gone too far!

PHILANDER
Siggy Llama! What are you doing here? And speaking of insane looks in people's eyes...

SIGGY
Listen to me, ladies and gentlemen! There's nothing evil or indecent about the autoharp! Autoharps play beautiful music! The only person or thing in this room who is evil or indecent is Philander J. Buchanan!

PHILANDER
Please disregard anything Mr. Llama says, ladies and gentlemen. After all, he's an autoharp player.

SIGGY
I'm now going to show who's really indecent in here! I'll just do this...

EVERYONE
(Gasps)

SIGGY
What the...? MY pants went down! The twine somehow got attached to MY pants!

PHILANDER
Jeeves, will you please remove this indecent autoharp player from my mansion?

BUTLER
With pleasure, Mr. Buchanan.

SIGGY
Of all the days to wear my underwear with the little autoharps all over it!

LIFOD MEMBER
Well, that's it. Autoharps are going on our Blue List right now!

(Theme music up and under)

PHILANDER
So, Mr. Announcer, how do you like life in the Buchanan mansion?

MR. ANNOUNCER
I can't complain. All the toast I can eat, I can announce whatever I want, and best of all--no loud autoharp playing!

PHILANDER
Yes, but occasionally we have to deal with a nuisance on the lawn.

MR. ANNOUNCER
But all of your attack dogs are very well trained.

PHILANDER
No, I meant your former friend out there.

SIGGY
(as if from outside) I want my autoharp back! You still have my autoharp in your closet, Philander J. Buchanan! And there's no way I can buy a new one, not now that they're on the Blue List! And when are you coming back to live with me, Mr. Announcer? I lost the house, but I have a very nice furnished room next to the glue factory!

PHILANDER
Speaking of the attack dogs, I think it's about time to release them.

SIGGY
(as if from outside) You're probably going to release the dogs now, so I'll run off, but I'll be back! This is to be continued!

MR. ANNOUNCER
If anyone's going to announce things, it's me: To be continued.

(Theme music up; singers sing beginning of close)

CLOSE
Vapo Cigarettes, always in style!
Vapo Cigarettes will make you smile!...
(Theme music down)

RICH
Who told the singers to start? It's not the end of the show! And I thought we weren't supposed to be referring to cigarettes!

(The action continues backstage...)