The Chicago Tribune

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme April 15, 1995

Author's Note: This fascination with the Chicago Tribune comes from my fascination with media in all its forms, and from being in a dorm with other media-loving people...and it didn't hurt that it was the newspaper that was allowed to deliver right to our dorm room doors, at an impressive discount On an entirely different note, only one of the people included in this sketch is still at the Chicago Tribune (as of 2004), the others either leaving due to death, moving to a different newspaper, or getting fired for having an inappropriate relationship with the subject of a story.

ANNOUNCER
And now, the Murgatroid Players are proud to present a glimpse inside the pages of one of America's leading newspapers--the Chicago Tribune. As we join the newsroom action, columnists Bernie Lincicome and Mike Royko are sitting in the newspaper's break room.

BERNIE
Even the Orioles are going to play with replacement umpires.

MIKE
My friend Slats Grobnick would never play a game with replacement umpires. Would you, Slats?
[In "Slats" voice] Why would anyone play a game with replacement umpires?
[Normal voice] It's because the owners and players don't see the real umpires as vital to the game.
[In "Slats" voice] What are they gonna do? Have the players call their own balls and strikes?

BERNIE
Uh, that's real good, Mike...and Slats. Hey, Bob, if you're trying to buy pop, the machine's not working.

BOB
In the end, the vending machine company let me down. But they did more than that--they let an entire nation down. Is everything all right in the Chicago Tribune break room? No it isn't. Not now. Not ever.

MIKE
[Normal voice] Is that a plane ticket you're carrying?
[In "Slats" voice] Where are you off to, Bob?

BOB
I'm off to Sarasota again, Slats. I have a feeling a young boy is being disillusioned by the current state of baseball.

BERNIE
You just wrote a column like that last week.

BOB
I did?...Then there must be someone in Sarasota disillusioned about something. Or I could always write about my best friend Michael Jordan's baseball career. He's doing really well, I hear.

BERNIE
He retired from baseball. He's playing basketball again now.

BOB
[Surprised] He is?...Oh, right, he called and told me yesterday.

MIKE
[In "Slats" voice] Even I knew that, and I never read the news.
[Normal voice] You got a mistress in Sarasota or something?

BOB
Uh...say, is it 7:00 yet? I've got a plane to catch. Dateline, Sarasota. In this Gulf Coast community where tourists flock to the sunny beaches, no one is flocking to the dimly lit hospital room of eight-year-old so-and-so.

JEFF
Hey, guys, what do you think of this? There's a bear wearing jeans and a plaid shirt, and he's holding a fan with the cord dangling down. The caption reads: "If you put electrical devices into outlets, you're a plugger."

BOB
At last--one thing for America to be proud of.

JEFF
Thanks, Bob. See you later.

BOB
But only one thing. In all other respects, America has let us down. I'll see you all in a week or three.

BERNIE
Now, what was I saying before he came in? Oh, yeah. I get a ton of letters every week from people who complain because we write about high school sports, but we never say anything about high school academic competition. I sure hope they've noticed what's been on the front page for the last two weeks. That hasn't happened for a sports story since McCaskey announced he wanted to move to the suburbs. And before that, when Jordan came out of retirement. But that's been it for the last three weeks.

MIKE
[In "Slats" voice] I can understand a high school cheating to win a football game, but why would they cheat to win an academic decathlon?
[Normal voice] Academic decathlon is almost as competitive as football.
[In "Slats" voice] Don't all the members of the decathlon team get beat up all the time? That's what I did to all the nerds at my high school.
[Normal voice] Maybe in the old days. But in these technologically advanced times, the smart kids rule the school.

ANN
Good evening, everybody.

BERNIE
Oh, Ann, what are you...?

ANN
Seek counseling from your minister or rabbi, always employ professionals, honesty is the best policy, resolve to make up with someone today, the bride doesn't have to be a virgin to wear white, if kids don't get sex education in school they'll just get it somewhere else, and why can't I get any pop out of this machine?

BERNIE
I was going to say, "What are you going to drink, because if it's pop, the machine's not working."

ANN
It's just like an anonymous essay I ran in 1973: "When the Vending Machine of Your Heart Isn't Working." I've gotten two requests for it in the last week. Maybe I'll run it again. What was your question again?

MIKE
[In "Slats" voice] Ann, there's this newspaper columnist--I'll call him 'Mike'--who prints private conversations we've had without permission.
[Normal voice] You're lying. You gave me permission!

ANN
You need counseling...both of you.

BERNIE
And psychiatric treatment, right, Ann?

ANN
I don't see how that would help. Obviously, the problem is their inability to get along with each other.

JEFF
How about this one...I draw Dave Barry holding a box of Pop-Tarts and a toaster, but here's the thing...the Pop-Tarts are on fire without being in the toaster!

ANN
Where did this need to draw fire come from? I think you need counseling.

JEFF
Okay, yeah, and the column's about how stupid his dogs are, and it doesn't have anything to do with Pop-Tarts, so I guess I'll do another one.

ANN
That's the spirit...if at first you don't succeed...[pause] [another pause] [a third pause]...try, try, again!

JEFF
What a strange phrase. I gotta go. See you later.

ANN
Wait a second, I'll follow you out. Jeff, I don't think you've sent in three dollars for my latest booklet yet.

BERNIE
I wonder if anything's happening in the game right now....Oh, Bob Verdi can tell me about it.

MIKE
[Normal voice] It's Jim Mateja.
[In "Slats" voice] Can I borrow your car?

JIM
Hi, Mike...Bernie...Slats...no, you can't borrow the car. The last time I let you borrow one, you got Mike arrested for drunk driving, remember? And then he got a resisting arrest charge when he tried to convince the officer it was you and not him who was drunk.

MIKE
[Normal voice] I told you he wouldn't let you.
[In "Slats" voice] You were right, Mike.

BERNIE
Don't try getting any pop out of the machine, Jim. It's broken.

JIM
How am I going to test the cupholders now? The 1995 Mercury Sable I'm testing right now has four cupholders, but I expect a major redesign in 1997 that will add two more.

MIKE
[In "Slats" voice] What do people do with all those cupholders?
[Normal voice] I think they put cups in them.

JIM
In fact, our spies in Detroit report that next year's redesigned Ford Taurus will have twenty-four cupholders, so you'll always be able to put a drink wherever it's most comfortable for you.

JEFF
How's this...there's an Eskimo wearing a button that says "'B-1 Bob' Dornan," and he's rubbing noses with another Eskimo, and he's wearing a button that says "Pat Buchanan."

JIM
Who's "B-1 Bob" Dornan?

MIKE
[In "Slats" voice] I was going to ask that!
[Normal voice] He's another Republican candidate for president. He just declared his candidacy yesterday. And they call him "B-1 Bob" because he's a big supporter of Air Force bombers.

JIM
Maybe we should do a story about him in this Sunday's Transportation section...oh, wait, we can't. We're doing a lead story on pickup truck rearview mirrors through the years.

JEFF
So is it a good idea?

JIM
Sure it is. Our readers love pickup trucks.

JEFF
No, I mean the cartoon.

JIM
I can never remember...Are you the one who draws "Dick Tracy"? Or is that someone else?

JEFF
That's Dick.

JIM
I'm sure it is! Ha ha! Well, gotta go drive the Mercury Sable around the parking lot twenty times.

BERNIE
It's getting too political in here for me. Michael Jordan must have done something in the last ten minutes.

JEFF
I've got to go write next Sunday's "Brenda Starr"...oh, wait, that's not me either.

MIKE
[in "Slats" voice] Looks like you and me are alone again, Mike.
[normal voice] Yeah. So, what should tomorrow's column be about?
[in "Slats" voice] Why don't you write another column complaining about female TV reporters? I'm sure I can think of a few more insulting terms for them. Let's see...did you mention the amount of hair spray they use last time?

ANNOUNCER
You've been listening to the Murgatroid Players' dramatization of the Chicago Tribune. The characters and events depicted in this radio drama have been... pretty accurate, as far as we can tell from reading the Tribune for years. Join the Murgatroid Players next week on the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme for another dramatization of a classic literary work.